I fell really sick for the past two days. It seemed like somebody was trying to drive the whole point across to me about not taking my health for granted. I thought it didn’t seem like a coincidence that this bout of sickness came right after I wrote my previous post.
I had a chance to experience how does it really feel like to be totally disempowered as I lay in bed feeling really ill and restless, yet not possessing an ounce of energy to do anything.
It is kinda ironic, because I had such grand plans and hopes for these few days as I told myself after writing the previous post that I’ll want to make better use of my time.
Only to be hit with a cold, stark reminder that it is not up to us when we’ll like to make good use of time or not. The moment I actually felt like accomplishing something, I fell ill. While being static on bed I wondered about all those times I had been in perfect health and yet chose to idle my time away. What if this spate of illness lasts more than a few days? What if from this very moment onwards I lose my health for good?
Since am a perpetual worrier and am always under stress and not eating properly of having enough exercise, I do get sick rather often, but I usually recover in a matter of a day or two. I’ve been blessed with good health overall, till date I have not had any major illnesses or injuries (touch wood).
Yet this is the first time I am giving serious contemplation that my illness may last more than mere days with the possibilities following it. Not because I really feel that I’ll continue to be sick, but I have has this chance to really think about it instead of just taking for granted that I am bound to recover.
28 Oct 09
The more you travel, the less you realize you know…When you travel it changes the definitions of words that you thought you understood. You thought you knew what the word “work” meant. You didn’t know if you’re from the West until you’ve seen a rice farming community, for instance.
…In order to appreciate what we have? Why does it take for us to lose, or to face mortality, before we are even willing to maximize life?
I’ve just read “Tuesdays with Morrie” by Mitch Albom. I picked up the book to read because I was feeling restless; I wonder if the restlessness I feel are subtle nudges by my guides. The book chronicles the last days of Mitch Albom and his University lecturer whom have been diagnosed with a terminal illness. The story itself was nothing new, but Mitch Albom just have this way of writing that tugs the heartstrings, or maybe I am just an emotional blob. I’ll rather be an emotional blob than a non-feeling human I guess.
Death is the main theme of the book, and the author repeatedly questions himself about his own values, dreams and goals when faced with his beloved dying lecturer. I don’t have to face death, I’ve been repeatedly questioning my own values, dreams and goals regardless. However, I’ve been guilty of taking life for granted. Reading intricate details about Albom’s lecturer’s slow decaying body and lessons about life he tried to teach before he left the world, I cannot help but feel that I have been wasting precious time given to me.
I’ve always made major decisions easily. I am blessed with the self-ability to be realistic in a manner realistic people cannot be. Realistic people are not truly realistic in my humble opinion because if they have been honest and realistic about their life and death, they would not choose to live life in a ‘realistic’ manner, would they? If they have known that life may end anytime, that health may degrade over time, that possessions may be lost any moment, would they still pursue a so called ‘realistic’ life?
So, most of my life’s major decisions are made pretty simply. I just ask myself, what if I were to die the next day? Will I be at my deathbed regretting making this decision or not? And then I’ll realise, what truly matters. That sucky job did not matter so I quit, I cannot bring my money to my grave so I spent it on stuff that would make me happy, I did not want a mundane life to flash past me before my death so I took risks.
When I tell my friends how I make decisions, they laugh and remark that I am being too extreme. Am I really? Does anyone of us truly know if we are going to be alive the next day? What is so extreme to be realistic about Death?
I am grateful because even if I procrastinate over work, waste my time fretting over senseless worries, but when it comes to major decisions, I do not shy away from it. Never shy-ed away when I quit my diploma studies, when I fell in love with a girl, when I quit at least 8 jobs in 8 years because I couldn’t fit into the system, when I told my heartbroken mother I want to move out and that I am gay at the same time, when I took the leap to be self-employed.
Looking back, I am proud to proclaim that they were all fantastic decisions that made my life a lot better. I struggled with the guilt when I was young, because it seemed to society that I was being selfish, but life is really not about living it so that parents can be happy or to gain acceptance by society.
Right now, I am just ruffled that I am not making good use of my time. I live everyday as though there are going to be many more ‘everydays’. There’s so much I want to do and fulfill, but it is always ‘later when it’s a better time’. Either I am waiting to do something, or I am simply busy with work. I have no desire to go back to 16 hour work days working on projects that mean not much to me.
My values have changed.
I would like to work on projects that mean something to me. I used to be working for a certain number each month, a number that would mean that basic to intermediate material needs would be met, and then hoping that after those needs are met, I would have time to work on personal projects and causes. To accomplish this I took on intense projects because I was naive enough to think that I can complete these projects in short-time frames and get paid faster, and that will enable me to reach my target soon, which equates to free time for me to do things I want to do. I just ended up very tired, dissatisfied, and burnt out.
I realised that I would be very much happier if I chose to work on stuff I really wanted to work on, design-related or not, and even if I have to compromise on my comfortable lifestyle. Chasing numbers just doesn’t cut it for me. I feel that I should do what I feel is right, and simply trust that I will be provided enough for to accomplish my dreams and goals.
I no longer want to be the old self who lived just to prove my worth and to gain acceptance. I am so much more than my work, why should I let my work and material possessions define me?
I do not want to wait till someone has died, or when my senses fail, or I lose my limbs, to live life the way in order to do it justice. I want to be able to have a sense of purpose or accomplishment everyday and not feel like I have wasted yet another day.
I think for me it is very much a psychological barrier – I need to literally reprogram my mind to discard belief systems that seek to disempower me and not to fall back into the whole capitalist society syndrome whereby money-making must be the prime objective of every human being’s survival plan.
I want to start living life.
26 Sep 09
It is pretty well known across the web that Apple definitely has its own share of negative publicity. Hardware failures when products are first launched, iPhone apps getting rejected from the App store for no apparent reason, the whole fiasco between Google and Apple, the list goes on.
I have been lucky. I have owned one iMac, one MacBook, one iPod Nano, and two iPhones – none of them have failed on me. I never ever had to send any one of them for repair, despite buying Applecare for my two Apple computers because of all the horror stories I have heard.
Without hesitation, I did not even blink when I ordered my new MacBook Pro with a matte screen when Snow Leopard was released. This new machine was to replace my old but trusty two-year old MacBook. This new Macbook Pro is not a machine that I can easily afford. It was purchased with the money I have painstakingly earned over the past two years that contained countless sleepless nights, mind-breaking stressful periods.
So when the screen of my new MacBook Pro became like this:
I was heartbroken. After all the anticipation and excitement of having a new machine, it was not very pleasant having to visit the service center and having to go through data migration multiple times.
Nevertheless, the machine was really new and I did not think that Apple would hesitate replacing my machine.
How wrong could I be.
I was told uncompromisingly by Apple Customer Relations that because I bought my machine from a reseller, they will not and can not replace my machine. They will only offer to repair it. “This is the law” and “I have my consumer rights” (basically I can take it to court if I want to), I was told on the phone.
This is almost amusing to me because for one, Singapore has no direct Apple retail stores and we only have resellers. Secondly, whether the machine comes from a reseller or not, it is made by Apple. I do not understand why Apple is refusing to replace machines sold by resellers.
The guy on the phone also said that if I were to buy the machine direct online, they would replace it with no issues.
If I had ****ing known this, I would not have bought from a reseller! I am very sure that less than 10% of the consumers in Singapore knows about this policy AND the one that says custom made to order machines do not have a refund policy regardless of whatever reasons.
Why is it that stock machines have a refund policy and custom made to order machines do not? Because it is more difficult to sell it off the next time? How considerate.
The very upsetting truth is, despite all these, I am very much married to Apple products. There is no way I will go back to using a PC again. It is really frustrating but I am in awe of what Steve Jobs have done to our psyche. At this moment, Apple can afford to be as unreasonable as they want regarding product replacement policies or strange App Store rejections – so? Steven Frank (panic.com) found out the hard way that a product boycott is virtually impossible.
The reseller is not helping much either (apparently Apple is not very kind to their resellers either if you do a google), except that they offered to send my machine in on their end to ‘seek Apple’s approval’ if my machine can be considered DOA (dead on arrival). Apple considers a product DOA if it is inoperable from the box, or if it shows signs of hardware failure within 14 days. If that picture above is not enough to demonstrate hardware failure, I do not know what will.
I am feeling a huge sense of injustice but the truth is there is nothing much I can do. I don’t feel that Singapore is as protective of consumer rights as compared to the West. The only thing I can do now is to hope for the best and just trust that things will fall into place the way they are meant to be.
It is definitely difficult to simply have faith at the moment in time. It is only but a machine, albeit an expensive one but it is not a life and death issue. I will live with it. Even if I have to send the machine to Applecare 50 times in its lifespan.
Just that there is no doubt that my love and confidence in Apple is shaken. I will never look at Apple the same way again. Not that they’ll care – judging from the amount of grouse that can be found online.
I do not wish to point fingers at anybody or make anybody’s life difficult, so no store name or employee name is mentioned, but I do feel that it is only right that people get to know about the policies regarding buying from resellers.
Next time when you buy your next Apple product, consider buying direct from the online Apple store to ensure you are fully covered in every way possible. You may want to also consider purchasing a custom made to order product vs a stock machine (and reconfigure it yourself). The reseller is also saying that the replacement process is much more complex because mine is made to order and he will probably replace it if it is a stock machine (what bullshit).
P.S. Yes I can just end my pain by agreeing to a repair but I should be entitled to a replacement because it is new and I really wouldn’t want to risk having a repaired machine that may be inherently defective (there are many such cases).
18 Sep 09
It is funny how life turns out sometimes. It is just not easy to see the humour in it when you’re going through the process yourself.
A lot of stuff has been going on since I’ve last written over here. Most of it has been internal – within me. My intention when I first started this blog was to share how I had gotten over the darkest periods of my life. I have honestly believed that I have left those days behind me.
On the front, it seems like I have almost all I’ve ever wanted. I have a fairly stable solo business that enables me the freedom to work from anywhere I want (technically), I have a partner who loves me to bits and shares the same life goals, family issues that have plagued me during my youth were no longer existent.
I was not earning big bucks or that I can afford to relax and be stress free, but come on, it is not as if I have some life-threatening situation or like I am working to cover a mountain of debt.
But I just was not happy.
And I simply grew increasingly unhappy. So unhappy that I kept having mental and emotional meltdowns on a frequent basis. The scary part was that I do not even know why exactly am I so unhappy.
I still feel blessed and grateful for all that I have, but somehow, something is just wrong somewhere. Perhaps I knew what was wrong, but I was just in denial. I had written about what could be wrong on this blog before, but somehow I thought that I may just fix it with sheer bull will.
I wrote a post a while ago after falling into a drain, that I had felt strongly about pursuing ‘the other path’. I remember back then that I decided that I should let my current work take a backseat and go all out to pursue what they call ‘lightwork’.
That decision somehow fizzled out because I had to relocate my residence plus I went to Tokyo and all the expenses did not allow me to feel like I can simply stop working and just be a student.
Apart from financial reasons, I thought I may be burnt out due to other reasons: overworking myself, undercharging, taking the wrong mix of work, etc.
I just did not think I can simply say goodbye to a career and passion that my life has revolved around for the past decade.
Design was something that could make or break me.
I was slowly growing in realisation that it may not be simply due to fatigue. I was not working during the ten days I spent in Tokyo and it did not help a single bit. I no longer feel excited about my projects and I have been feeling this way for the past six months to a year? Our emotions are a good indicator of whether we are fulfilling our purposes or if we are on the paths intended for us. My increasing bouts of depression started from gentle reminders to rude alarm bells – I am not doing what I should be doing. Whatever that I am doing now is obviously not making me happy. And I may have exhausted my best effort.
I feel like I am wasting precious time on earth. Getting eaten up slowly everyday.
Maybe my thought process has been too extreme. I did not need to think that one has to go in order for one to come in. I just need to acknowledge the other is growing in strength and I no longer loved the original one as much as I did. If we should spend time on things in order of how much we feel towards them, then it is simply put out to me that I have to spend more time on my ‘other path’ and let design work take a backseat.
No matter how financially difficult it could be. No matter how difficult it is for me to admit that I no longer want to revolve my life around a passion that I have built my life around.
I remember how it all used to be for me. The excitement of opening a design program, drawing pixels and letting everything fall into space intuitively. Now, in order to be the true professional I want to be, every design decision is thought through really hard – will this confuse users? Will something else work better? Am I breaking new ground here? I don’t want this website to end up looking like the last one, or like other typical gradient-laden websites. Or the worst case scenario – will this look like crap in IE?
Sometimes I feel, the field of web design takes out the joy of creating. At least for me. It can be upsetting to realise that being good at something doesn’t equate to liking that something.
I miss designing for the fun of it. Not for the client, not for the users, not for the money. Just for fun. It had been something difficult to do because I so much wanted to excel at it that the process has been over-rationalised. The beauty of the web is ironically what kills it for me – the transience, the dynamism, the technology.
I miss laying out words and pictures meant for paper. It is altogether a different set of problems for print. Is this legible? Will this look good in black and white? Can I use special inks or varnishes for this? How about different paper or cuts? They are problems that I miss. I miss seeing my work printed, I miss feeling my work in my hands.
Earlier today, or rather, yesterday evening, I caught a whiff of how it feels like to be passionate about something. I have long forgotten how it feels like until just now.
I enrolled in a course shortly after I moved residence in June. Despite feeling tired after the move, despite having tons of work to do, despite many other factors, I somehow signed up for it anyway. It was not something I looked for. Serendipity works in the most amazing ways. Do you know how it came about?
It came about because I was (along with some other volunteers) searching for a missing rescued dog some when in May. To be really honest, I did not even feel like it when the call came in on a lazy Sunday afternoon. I was looking forward to resting during the weekend and searching aimlessly under the hot sun was not my idea of rest. However, the rescued dog was deeply insecure and afraid of humans, it would require every effort to be found again for the sake of its own safety. The thought of it getting knocked down by cars during possible confusion, getting caught by the authorities, or getting cooked for a good meal by foreign workers, overcame any hesitation.
It turned out that the fosterer who was taking care of the dog is a dog trainer. We had a chance to converse when we were waiting to lure the dog out from some forest foliage. She, was one of the very few humans in Singapore, who did not stare at me with *that* look when I mentioned that I have taken a animal communication course before. In fact, her eyes lighted up and was very interested to find out more. Don’t you think it is amazing how you somehow ‘stumble’ into people with similar ‘out of this world’ interests when you start pursuing them?
With the knowledge that my partner and I were both interested in animals and alternative modalities, she asked if we were interested to form a small group to learn Quantum Touch.
I have already went through an Angels Miracles workshop and also an animal communication workshop last year with very limited results on my side because despite my deep beliefs regarding the magic of the Universe, I have a rather rational side to me as well as a mind that doesn’t really like to quieten down (a focused mind with good visualization powers is essential for most spiritual work).
Somehow, I just kept the faith. If I feel it in my heart that I want to do it, I may not get it for now but it will eventually come to me.
I thought it would be nice for our animal volunteer work if I could learn some healing modalities (and eventually learn how to talk to them). Our animal communication teacher told us that we may want to consider learning Reiki but which I did do some research into but it just did not fall into place or feel right. When the dog trainer brought up Quantum Touch, I was like, why not? The method or technique does not matter as long as allows the subject to feel better.
And just now, I felt it with my own hands – Energy.
It was our first workshop and within a couple of hours, we were trying out on one another. I took it with a pinch of salt since the previous other workshops were not too successful for me. Yet, it was there for me to feel. Light pulses at my fingertips. My partner’s backache went away after I tried it on her. I felt the accumulated pain due to sitting for long hours in my back seemingly lighten. I saw bones aligning in the training video, stuff that professional chiropractors deemed impossible.
I just knew it in my heart there and then. This is the work I truly want to do. Not just Quantum Touch, but I want to keep on learning, marry all the modalities and experiences I have accumulated and be able to touch people and animals in my own unique way.
I may not be successful at getting my dog to talk to me right now, but I believe once I get over the stage of taking control over my mind, it will come to me. I have to take care of a fearful, aggressive dog right now, and can you imagine what difference it will make to its life and its people if I am able to rehabilitate it?
Just the thought of it makes me happy. And I hope I will be able to do it not only for mine, but for those poor rescued animals who had been traumatized in one way or another.
The added bonus is – my partner is on the same path as me (you have no idea how rare this can be). Apart from the mutual support (imagine a partner that goes, ya…right.), it is that synergy, the common beliefs and shared vision; and in future, the partnership. I feel that she is clairvoyant and clairaudient wheras I am more clairsentient and claircognizant, so we should make a good partnership.
At this point if you’re not yet rolling your eyes, thank you. To my business associates and clients, no I am not giving up on my design work, I just need to recalibrate it a bit. I would like to be able to think of work as fun.
I just finished reading “Eat, Pray, Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert (will post a review soon) and she gave me a ray of hope in trying to get my mind to quieten. I never thought my mind would ever shut up, but after reading her experience (her mind sounds like mine), I have renewed hope for mine.
I plan to really cut down on design work (time to be really selective), pack up my new place (it has been 2 months and it still looks horrible because I am just either working or moping and my poor partner is doing it on her own), continue my Soul Realignment course (it has been put on hold because my place is in a mess and I can’t be in a state of mind to do such work), try out Quantum Touch on myself and my immediate family (dogs and partner first), and see where it all brings me.
Getting the little aggressive dog in my household to calm down will be a good testimonial and start.
Let me have the strength to continue my journey with not too many detours. I know some are inevitable, so I am just asking for less. That is not too much to ask for, right? :)
I have been self-sabotaging my own decisions for quite a while now and I would like the courage to be able to stick to them.
21 Aug 09
I want to share my immediate after-thoughts of speed-reading “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle, because I know if I do a proper full review, it will probably never be published. By ‘speed-reading’ I mean letting my eyes naturally scan through the book, picking up the bits of information that jumped out at me and scanning through the rest of the book that I felt wasn’t important to what I wanted to know at that moment. I finished the book in an hour and I will probably pick it up to read it again in-depth.
If my memory did not fail me, I was first introduced to Eckhart Tolle by Julia , probably a couple of years back when she implored me to listen to the podcasts recorded by him and Oprah Winfrey. I am not the sort of person who have the patience to listen to podcasts or watch videos, but somehow I managed to finish listening to a couple of episodes. I remember feeling struck by certain concepts he shared and I made a mental note to buy the book, but somehow, even though I have come across the book countless times in the bookstore, I have never wanted to buy it. I have always believed that books are meant to be read when they are ready to be read.
The other reason why I did not feel the need to buy the book was because I thought I have already understood the power of Now. In theory. I know Transience. I know that everything is impermanent. I know our experiences in the current life are no more than mere illusions (okay I know people are going to disagree with me on this but truth is not absolute).
However, knowing and really being able to live it are two different matters. It takes a lot to tell myself not to worry about the future when I know there are bills to pay. Ideally, I would love to go sit beside a rock and meditate my whole life, living like the Peace Pilgrim without a cent to my name. Somehow perhaps I really will one day, but right now I have my loved ones to consider. I am already grateful that they are giving me their support with the life I am leading now, asking them to give full blessings for wanting to be a penniless nomad is a little too much to ask for.
I have been feeling down (yes, again) recently. I do not even know when it really started. I just feel that something is missing, something is wrong somewhere. Until a couple of days back, I realised in the middle of conversation with my partner, that I have no enthusiasm for anything anymore. Even the thought of travelling somehow did not excite me anymore. Was it because subconsciously I know that – even if I had the means to do all that I’ve always wanted to do, I still wouldn’t find true happiness. What comes next after reaching the ultimate goal?
I imagined myself having a lot of money, jetting anywhere I wanted, opening the animal shelter that was my life-long wish and I asked myself if I would be happy if I were to live the life that I thought was my dream.
The answer was no.
Then I asked myself, what is it that I really want? I had no answers. And having no answers scared the hell out of me. I have always prided myself for attempting to do what I love to do, or trying to head towards my dreams, but what if I no longer loved what I loved to do and worse, what if I no longer had a dream?
The thought of living a life emptily really disturbed me. It made me feel worse than before.
So I was browsing the iTunes app store last night, under the “Staff Favorites” section I noticed “The Power of Now”. I had finished some of my work and I had no mood to continue. The ebook was $13.99 USD and I thought that I would probably be better off buying the physical book. However, I really felt like I wanted to read it there and then. Like NOW. I closed iTunes and tried to distract myself from buying the ebook. The thought just kept popping back (okay thank you, guides) and I gave myself proper reasons to buy it. Since I have nothing better to do, I may find something uplifting from the book and it is an ebook I can carry it everywhere, plus save the environment! ;p
(These are in my context and I consider myself weird, so you don’t have to agree)
1. I am not my mind. The mind is conditioned to make us worry, fearful and insecure. I should control my mind, not vice versa. This is exceptionally true for me. My mind is ALWAYS worrying. And it seems to have a knack for reminding me how imperfect I am. If I can recognise the mind as a separate entity, I can get it to shut up and not give a shit to what it is constantly making me think and feel. Laugh at it. Why should I even think that I am less than any other being?
2. That it is a fact that we’re the only species that killed hundreds of millions of our own in this century alone. Tolle says that the human mind is insane and I agree.
3. That we are always looking to the future or the past but never the present. The attachment to the past and the future is what that makes us unhappy. This concept I have already understood a while ago, but it never rang so true for me until now as demonstrated in the next point.
4. We’re always waiting for the future to happen for some kind of salvation. We should stop waiting. I should stop. Because I am always waiting for this and that to happen, trying to find this and that so I can be fulfilled. But what comes next?
5. On up and down cycles:
“It is not true that the up cycle is good and the down cycle bad, except in the mind’s judgement. Growth is usually considered positive, but nothing can grow forever. If growth, of whatever kind, were to go on and on, it would eventually become monstrous and destructive. Dissolution is needed for new growth to happen. One cannot exist without the other.”
This completely changed my perception of ‘being down’.
6. On true compassion:
” True compassion goes beyond empathy or sympathy. It does not happen until sadness merges with joy, the joy of Being beyond form, the joy of eternal life.”
I need a little more time to comprehend the essence of this, though I think I am very close. It is a paradox, because if pain is an illusion, then compassion should cease to exist isn’t it? Why should I be compassionate to another being in pain when it is simply an illusion?
7. On evil:
“The ultimate effect of all the evil and suffering in the world is that it will force humans into realizing who they are beyond name and form. Thus, what we perceive as evil from our limited perspective is actually part of the higher good that has no opposite. This, however, does not become true for you except through forgiveness. Until that happens, evil has not been redeemed and therefore remains evil”.
I particularly like this quote, because it aligns with my belief that evil does not truly exist. Evil exists so that Good can exist. This is the law of duality. We need Evil to realise the Good.
8. Happiness comes externally and is temporary, but joy comes from within and is permanent.
I know I am on the way of a process that does not have a name. There are a lot more processing to go, a lot more to be reconciled. I am not sure where will this bring me, or will it just be a temporary lapse before I go back to my perpetual moping. What is truly important? What do I truly want to do with my time here?
So what if one day I am actually able to put all these in practice. What comes next?
Okay, I realised I am obsessed with the ‘next’.
Perhaps I will truly know the answer when I eventually learn to find joy from within. And live in the Now.
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