defragment.me

When there’s too much to say

Prior to the site going live, I was getting frustrated with myself because I had so much to write on this blog, and my lack of time to develop this blog was being the one obstacle to me finally being able to unleash all my pent-up thoughts.

Now that the site is up, I slowly realised I thought wrong when I naively assumed that I’ll be so anxious to share my thoughts that I’ll be publishing long thoughtful posts at a daily rate.

I have so much to say, that I do not know where to start. I wanted to make a good start, and that intention quickly became my next stumbling block. Many times, I wanted to start writing, but I did not want my rush of thoughts to literally become too fragmented to be read. Wait for a better time, I kept telling myself.

That better time never seem to come.

Too many words, trying to come out of one mouthpiece, and they all end up getting stuck near the exit.

The best thing to do, is just to let the words flow from my heart.

Leave some thoughts?

The other side of Roy Keane’s quitting habit

News filtered in at the major news sites yesterday that Roy Keane has quit Sunderland after a string of seven defeats. All of the football writers are criticising him for quitting when the going gets tough. That he was unable to persevere.

Now, that sounds really familiar. I have had people saying the same of me, because I did not fulfill society’s expectations of me when I did not subscribe the conventional hold-a-job-down-for-as-long-as-possible mentality.

I do not know Roy Keane personally, obviously. However, I do not see him in the same light as most people do. He is known for his fiery temper and passion, for his winning mentality, for his ability to command respect and awe as a professional footballer. He, more than once, almost single-handedly motivated his team mates to win a game when they were staring at defeat. He, was the player, who unselfishly played out his heart despite facing suspension to give Manchester United their first European final for many years.

How can a man like this, whom many professional footballers openly admire, be such a weakling that he must quit because he was unable to take hardship?

For most of my life while in employment, I have wondered the same question of myself. No matter how strong can one be, it is difficult not to be doubtful when everyone around you does not understand.

Roy Keane quit because he feels like he has given his all, and he is no longer confident of guiding the club back to winning ways. It is typically viewed as ‘courageous’ to stay on and fight, but is that really an act of courage, or an act of a selfish ego by stubbornly hanging on and risking the entire club’s fortunes along with himself?

Probably there are tons of many reasons that would remain hidden, perhaps it was because the new shareholder undermined his authority, nobody would know unless Keane himself steps out to talk about it. I believe he will, one day, when he is ready. He was never known to shy away from his words, and I am sure he is his own harshest critic.

His very high expectations of himself, is the same factor that has contributed so much of his success, as well as his failures. His high expectations of everyone around him, has landed him with tons of negative publicity, when he walked out of the world cup on his country, when he openly criticised both his team mates and the supporters of Manchester United.

All he wanted, and wants now, is to be true to himself.

When the day comes when you can no longer answer to yourself, that will be the day to have the guts to give up.

Many people fail to see that, quitting takes courage too.

Would a man like him fail to pre-anticipate all that backlash that is happening right now? He knew what he was in for, yet he still quit, rather than hang on to his job for dear life that many football managers do.

Roy Keane is an exceptional man, and for all his brilliance he will continue to be misunderstood, because the mainstream would not be able to empathise and understand what drives his actions.

Nobody probably feels worse about Sunderland’s current situation than the man himself.

Leave some thoughts?

The dilemmas faced starting this blog

One of the major reasons why I took so long to get this blog up, even though I’ve felt the need to for a long time, was because of the many dilemmas faced during the idea conception stage, and the decision making process took quite a bit of time.

Niche or not

The subjects that I had planned to write were pretty niche and specific, the problem lies with the range of topics. I wanted to write about the lessons I’ve learned while freelancing, design ideas, my spiritual awakening and growth, my interest in astrology, the important epiphanies I had in my life.

People who want to read about the practical side of my writing – the freelancing experiences – may not appreciate my thoughts on spirituality, and vice versa. Ultimately I decided to go for the all-in-one route, because practically I knew it would be difficult for me to maintain separate blogs, but more importantly, I wanted to paint the whole, entire picture of what I’ve gone through.

It is difficult for me to write about how I overcame my struggles without involving my spiritual awakening, or how I applied spiritual concepts to cope with my difficulties while freelancing. They’re intricately related, and they wouldn’t be unique experiences if they are purposely kept separate.

The potential for religious backlash

To write about my take on spirituality, I was worried that there will be people who have strong religious beliefs getting upset about the spiritual views I express. The simple statement that I believe in God but not in any particular organized religion might be enough to cause outrage. Or that I believe in karma and reincarnation. However, I weighed the pros and cons, eventually I decided that as long as I set my intentions to be positive, and hope that my readers keep an open mind and respect my views, everything will turn out fine.

Being true, the exposure & my business

I’m a professional designer offering my services to a wide-variety of clientele, both locally and internationally. To truly share my past experiences equates to me having to be true and honest, even if it means writing about the pain, or bits of my past that I probably shouldn’t talk about openly. I am not sure how my exisiting or potential clients will feel if they happen to read about my depressive past or my spiritual views.

Yet I have chosen the uncomfortable route, because I know that it may benefit many others by sharing my experiences openly. That alone should be more important than worrying about how some people would react. I am simply being who I am, and I guess I trust my clients to be open-minded enough, if not, then I guess there’s nothing much I can do. One thing I’ve learned is that there’s bound to be some people unhappy with what you do no matter what, and you cannot spend your entire life pleasing everyone.

Inspired by

I would like to give thanks to two very courageous and strong women among many others – Jaime Mintun & Patricia Singleton – whose efforts to write openly about their past painful experiences in an effort to share and heal with others, gave me the inspiration and strength to share mine. I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time, but never felt whether it was right, or rather, I was not sure if I had the guts, and having the opportunity to read these two blogs gave me the sign I was waiting for. Reading their blogs made me feel that the strength needed to be open about myself, was nothing compared to the courage they have shown.

Leave some thoughts?