defragment.me

9 blessings to count (for what I am grateful for)

I am prone to waking up on the wrong side of the bed some times and wonder why situations in my life seems so difficult. My better self will remind me that I am already living a very blessed life, and I should be nothing but very grateful for what I have been given. There are times when it is difficult for me (being sensitive and emotional) to snap out of my negative moods, thus today I have decided I should write out a list of things that makes me happy and I should be grateful for – for that rainy day when I need that subtle reminder.

1. Being healthy

This is something that many of us possess and yet take for granted every day. Isn’t health in itself something to be really grateful for? We simply need to flash a thought of someone living in borrowed time or someone who needs to go through painful treatments for chronic/terminal illnesses and I assure you that you’ll feel instantly better about whatever crappy day you have.

2. Having my sight and limbs intact

This is closely related to the point above but I think it deserve a mention on its own. Isn’t it wonderful to be able to walk, write, paint, cook, etc? That we have the ability to travel to anywhere we want, enjoy any physical activity, and do interesting stuff with our hands, take in the most beautiful sights?  I think a lot of us take this for granted as well.

3. Being able to eat and taste whatever I want

I love to eat. Eating makes me happy or it comforts me when I feel down or stressed. Of course, nobody should over indulge in food, but it is a blessing to be able to eat. Next time you lift the fork and poke at that boring plate of food, re-think again, because no matter how bad it tastes, you should be grateful for it, for not everybody is so blessed – think about the millions of starving people in poorer countries.

4. Being self-employed

Working on my own and from home is indeed a great blessing, because it allows me to be in control of my own destiny to a certain extent. I am very grateful for this because in times of recession I do not feel insecure about my job. It is up to myself to ensure that I survive, and not because some top-level executive have decided that it is the best strategic decision to retrench 10,000 employees. Sure, my business may not be as stable as before, but it is still in my own hands. I am certain that if I work that extra bit harder than before, I will eventually reap fruits of my own labour. If not, at least I had a good shot at it. Anything beats those days I had whereby I worked 16 hour shifts to meet mad deadlines and at the end of the year, the bosses buy new cars and property, while we employees cannot even be sure if we are entitled to an extra month’s bonuses.

5. Not having to wake up at a certain time

Having my own business for more than a year, I have learnt to appreciate routines. I used to hate waking up in the morning, but I’ve somehow grown to enjoy it. However, I do not like it at all when I have to do it because everyone says so. There are times when I feel absolutely uninspired and it was a waste of time being at the office and trying to churn out work for the sake of it. It would have been more productive if I was allowed to rest and recuperate – am sure the work produced would have been better. I also thought that it was pointless trying to work when all I really want to do is to sleep. Now I have planned my own routine, but at least it is designed for me.

I know that in huge organizations it may be difficult to give employees a degree of freedom, but there have been instances whereby it has been implemented successfully.

6. Having my family and partner

Not everyone can be so blessed to have a supportive family and who loves you for who you are. I have had severe issues with my parents in my earlier years but I am very glad that they have been sorted out now. They make the effort to accept me for the person I am and I know it in my heart. They have been a great stabilizing factor in my life, especially during uncertain times. It is easy to take people around you for granted, but I constantly remind myself that I wouldn’t know the day they’ll no longer be around, so I do make the effort to spend quality time with them.

7. The freedom to work from anywhere (with an internet connection)

Technically (but not financially yet), I am able to start my dream of working from anywhere I want to be as long as I have an internet connection and my laptop. I have great understanding clients who accept the way I work (virtually). In fact, am just indebted to the internet, or else I would not be able to fulfill my nomadic tendencies. I can write a whole new post (which I will) on how grateful I am for technology. Without the internet I would not be able to work from home, nor in the first place would I be able to realise I have a gift for design (which was discovered trying to design my own website).

8. Turning my passion into my career

There have been times when I almost wanted to give up but am glad I did not. For being a designer has allowed me to live the life I want, and make people happy in the process. It is indeed satisfying when my work helps my clients to generate more income, positive feedback, experiences, or attention. This is what that fuels and motivates me. I do not design because I like to look at pretty stuff, or to impress people of my ability, but rather the knowledge of the impact it may have on others, not only aesthetically, but economically, and even socially.

Good design is an important vehicle for carrying messages. On a material level it helps people to understand a product more, but it is a whole different ball game altogether when you can be involved in carrying a message for a social cause.

9. Being able to communicate to a wider audience

The last time I checked, I have like roughly 10 rss subscribers on this blog’s feed. Which is really pretty insignificant in internet terms, but to me it matters, every 10 of you, no matter who you are. I feel blessed to have this platform to publish and share my thoughts with you. If I was born in an earlier era, I would not be able to do so at all! Sharing enables one to learn from each other, which I have learnt a lot by sharing, and also from material that people have shared online.

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If you’re one of my 10 rss subscribers, do leave a comment and let me know of who you are if you have the time. :) It would be nice to get to know all of you. I am curious to know what people think of what I write on this site.

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The feelings President Obama invoked in me

My partner was asking me why I was sniffing away watching Barack Obama, the 44th President of the United States, deliver his inauguration speech. Was I touched? Not really. I was not really able to describe my emotions.

The first time

I remember the first time I had watched him. It was a video linked from a blog, during the early days of the race of the Democratic nomination. I do not usually have the patience to watch any videos, but somehow, something urged me to click on it. My hair stood while I watched him that day. From that moment on I would not forget who Barack Obama is and what he stands for, just like the many others who had watched him speak.

I have always been interested in politics, but my interest in Obama grew deeper than a casual interest. I followed him from the democratic battle with Hilary Clinton to the presidential race with John McCain. When there was a clear winner on election day, I, along many others, heaved a sigh of relief, took in a breath of hope, and waited in anticipation. There was something surreal about his win, it felt so real, yet some part of it was unbelievable, a black man taking the center-stage of America.

Resonating with him

Why am I so taken with him? Because he is the epitome of what I believe in. His story, borders on being too familiar with me. The struggle against the odds, the belonging to the minority, the unwavering faith, the fight against the cynics.

Each time I hear him speak, I cannot help but get reminded about my own struggles, the darkness of my past, and the brightness of my future. He symbolises hope, his words inspire. He is deeply attached to and fiercely proud of the founding principles of America, based on liberty, equality, virtue and ideals.

Hope & ideals

He is the living example of how much one can achieve with undiluted hope and ideals.  I am sure people stifled their laughter when he would tell them of his dreams to contribute to American politics, or when he first ran for the Senator seat; people did not give him a chance when he was up against Hilary Clinton, they applauded his courage for doing so because it seemed like an impossible task, that he would even bother to try.

Hope and ideals – two words that do not have any grounded feel to them at all, that it was almost that these words do not exist in reality. It was with hope and ideals that I have built my life around, it was with hope and ideals that I formed my arguments to retort those people who had criticized the way I had made my decisions. People who were hopeful and idealistic, were typically labelled as being naive. The world does not function based on hope and ideals, the tired song we were taught to sing.

Shift in our consciousness

Obama winning the election marked a signficant shift in the world. Probably the world was already evolving, but his win brought about a sense of reality to the idea that people are finally willing to open their hearts instead of using their minds all the time. He did not just scrape through the election, he won by a landslide, and the number of people who turned up to watch his inauguration was unprecedented. He did not just win the support of the hopeful and idealistic, he had managed to convert many of the fatigued realists. For once, the idea of having hope and ideals are moving these people.

Gratitude to Obama

I will have to thank him. For his presence has made my journey feel less lonely, with more people seemingly willing to take the road less travelled. People will find it less amusing when I talk about my hope and ideals. He has opened the world’s eyes to the many possibilities possible with the intent, will, strength and faith. Over the past few months, it is as though the air seemed fresher, the colours seemed brighter, that somehow despite the failing economy, people are not afraid to fight hard for themselves and for other people. I watched as there were tears forming in the audience at the inauguration ceremony yesterday, tears forming in the eyes of the weathered faces, these tears are joy, that people are actually celebrating the inauguration from their hearts.

They all want to believe him, there is just something about Obama that makes you want to believe him. His speech was not the usual fluff, but pragmatic words that reminded us the need to face our issues and work hard at them.These words are not only inspiring for the Americans, but for everyone of us.

In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children’s children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God’s grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

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My Feelings & thoughts – whom they belong

I’ve always somehow prided myself on my emotions and imagination, thoughts and ideas. I could write, and still can, time permitting, pages after pages of words. I was the kid who kept asking for additional paper during examinations, much to the suspicion of the examiners. They raised their eyebrows when I asked for not one, not two, but like five pieces of additional paper, and would frown with concern when I would fall asleep after 30 minutes of writing. “Are you not feeling well”, they would ask, and then looked in disbelief when I would sleepily show them the pieces of paper, messily stapled, but written to the maximum, on both sides.

There was this part of my brain that would seem to effortlessly string up the words, formulate the ideas, structure the thought-forms. Being able to write was my pride and joy, and was my much needed comfort when I did miserably with my math and science.

I have kept a journal for the longest time. In my childhood it was the traditional type that had a tiny lock and key, and when the internet age caught up I maintained an online locked journal, documenting my darkest, deepest thoughts and feelings. At the lowest points of my life, I would remember pouring my heart and soul into words, and somehow, someway, the dark clouds in my mind would automatically lift mid way through my writing. My thoughts seemed to straighten themselves out through my own written words, pointing out the silver lining or the wider perspective that I never seemed to notice prior to journaling.

Journaling was therapeutic, which I attributed to writing being able to sort out my thoughts in a clear and structured manner.

Communication of another dimension

Erin Pavlina’s blog was the first blog I read that focused on spirituality. I remember having read about spirit guides somewhere before, but Erin’s blog was, and still is, one of the most comprehensive resource on spirituality and spirit guides. I began to wonder about the existence of my own guide/guides, and of course, I have an un-quenchable curiosity of the unknown. I think most people would want to know what their own guides have to say.

And so the quest began. I tried guided meditations and visualisations, went to an angels workshop, tried to learn how to communicate with animals at an animal communication workshop, and tried guided meditations again. My mind is over-active, to the point whereby I suffer from chronic insomnia because I have a problem trying to shut it off. I realised I was not really good at visualising because my mind does not seem to like holding any images for more than a few seconds, before getting interrupted by a random thought. My mind runs so fast that I suspect I myself cannot catch up most of the time.

I did not seem to be able to get much results trying to communicate telepathically, be it with my dogs or attempting to connect to my guides. Was it because of a noisy mind, or some self doubt, or there was really a psychic block? Perhaps a combination of the mentioned.

Perhaps the answer is…

My curiosity perpetually seems to get the better of me as I reckoned since I could not connect to my guides on my own, I would still want to know more about them. Thus, I went ahead to order a spirit guides profile reading, and at around the same time tried the free mini reading by Anna Conlan, whereby she would be able to tell people what are their primary intuitive vehicle – clairvoyance, clairaudience, clairsentience or claircognizance.

Interestingly, but not surprisingly, the reading from Anna tells me that my primary gift is clairsentience, followed by claircognizance. Basically I receive information through feelings, then through thoughts. The mini-reading re-affirmed my spirit guides reading (done by two separate lightworkers), which revealed that my primary guide works with my thoughts.

I cannot help but feel slightly amused, because all these while I have been expecting a vision or a voice in my head, when I should have just expected feelings and thoughts to come in.

Discernment

This is where the tricky part comes in. My primary guide has been with me all my life, I am so used to having wild, random or overactive thoughts in my head, I would not really know when is she dropping me hints. Yet I am certain of her presence, it is this sense of just knowing, because my intuition has always been my guiding light. I remember writing in a previous post, that somehow despite all those dark times, I have managed to be guided by some unknown source, there was always a flicker of hope and naive idealism, even at the lowest point of my life. All those times when I have been writing out my thoughts in my journal, have I been somewhat channeling someone else’s thoughts?

Empathy – my gift or my curse

I can probably write a whole new post on the subject of empathy and how it influences my life. I used to believe that I am born a cry-baby. I cry a lot, I tear because I am touched to see old couples holding hands, I cry helplessly at poigant movies, I cry whenever I have to leave a stray dog or cat behind, sometimes I even have crying bouts for no reason, which I attributed to PMS.

My empathy has been a wonderful gift, I could totally understand and relate to what other people are going through when they are feeling down, I can feel what they feel. However, I did not think of it as a literal sense – literally feeling what others are feeling. I have attributed my empathy to the ability to perceive myself in people’s shoes. That brings the understanding of people’s situations, I thought I felt so much because I was just a natural emotional wreck. Wherever I went people just seem to enjoy confiding in me, and I seem to be able to provide fresh perspectives to their issues.

Yet it did not come without a price. I noticed myself feeling constantly drained, and I realised that I did not like to be in crowds. While people at my age enjoyed parties and social gatherings, I preferred to hole myself up at home, on the bed, and literally rest without moving an inch. This was way before my journey into spirituality and I had presumed that I was perhaps not a very sociable person.

Have I been unconsciously picking up thoughts and feelings of people? Is there a real reason why I seem to be constantly fatigued? Have I allowed people to freely feed on my energy?

Those times of depression, was I feeling down because of my own unhappiness, or have I just been soaking up people’s feelings of unhappiness?

I do not have definite answers to these questions, not even after the psychic readings. However, I would definitely pay more attention to my thoughts and feelings from now on, that they may not truly belong to me, and I need to trust my intuition much more.

Next time I have this urge to do something, go to a bookstore to pick up a book, or to walk in a certain direction, I would probably heed it.

Gratitude

Though I am still hoping to see visions or hear voices in my head, I remain very thankful for my gifts, for they form the core of my being. I have been criticised as over-emotional, naive, delusional and illogical, but I would not have exchanged them for anything else. No amount of words can describe the feelings of joy when people tell me that I have been a comfort to them, or when I provide the unconventional perspective that perhaps they needed to see.

I look at where I am standing at my life now, none of these would have been possible if I had not been naive or over-emotional by most people’s standards.

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My hopes for 2009; the right time is now

The previous few years were major milestones of my life: in 2006 I met the person whom I think I am going to spend the rest of my life with, in 2007 I took the leap of faith into self-employment, and in 2008 spirituality took on a whole new meaning as I seeked for answers . All these events happened without any form of warning or planning, and therefore I have come to the conclusion that the best things in life happen when you’re least expecting it.

I have no doubt that the sequence of events were intricately linked – the stability of my personal life allowed me to seek the instability of a solo career, while the freedom of being a solo designer allowed me to experiment with spirituality. I do not think I would think of attending workshops had I still been trapped in the body of an overworked designer. :)

Looking forward to 2009, I do not want to plan resolutions because I know life typically, at least for me, does not go according to plan. Instead, I hope to draft my hopes for this year, setting the intention, cross my fingers and hope for the best.

No more waiting

Near the very end of 2008, I came to the realisation that I cannot wait any longer put my dreams into action. I have spent most of my life waiting, waiting to grow up, waiting to start working, waiting to be financially secure. Yes, even for someone like me, financial security is important. I had wanted to wait till my income would be strong enough to support my conquer-the-world plans. However, a series of happenings opened my eyes to my own foolishness. Life is unpredictable, just like happy events occur when you’re least expecting it, unfortunate ones happen without much warning too. What if financial security eventually arrives, and my health can no longer support my travel plans? Wouldn’t that be the greatest irony?

I know I sound paranoid, but I sounded paranoid when I used to speak about banks collapsing and people losing money that were earned over a lifetime. This was before the economic crisis and it sounded unfathomable, yet am sure it does not really sound unrealistic now.

A friend of mine recently recounted how her cousin’s husband passed away unexpectedly with a heart attack, at the age of 28. The age I would be turning in approximately four months time. I do not want to have the it-will-not-happen-to-me mentality, because I jolly well know anything can happen to anyone.

The right time is now

Thus, this year I intend to put my travel plans into action, no matter how much it disturbs me to see numbers in my bank account dwindling. Ironically, I never felt the pinch when I was younger and poorer, when I was living paycheck to paycheck and would be lucky not to incur any debt. People tend to fear losing when they have more to lose. The instability of freelancing have forced me into putting money away for the rainy day, but the more money I put away, the more I become attached to it. I am not saying that I want to go back living to paycheck to paycheck, but I do recognise the need to adjust my mentality.

The illusion of security

With the state of the economy, it seems like madness to want to be less attached to my money and initiate travel plans. These are times of uncertainty, I should be saving every single cent I can grab, right? Yes, there is also a possibility I may become the most successful money hoarder in 2009 and still get stricken down with illness, and I am not willing to risk that possibility. Times of uncertainty or not, life is still fragile.

To me, security is an illusion anyway. Times can be good, and no matter how secure or prepared anyone can be, everything can still be taken away from you in an instant.

Life should not come to a standstill in times of uncertainty. Fear breeds more fear. On the bright side, travel costs would probably be significantly lower. For example, it is a great time to visit the UK now, because right now it is 1 SGD to 2.1 pounds, whereas it used to be 1:3 in better times. Ditto for Australia, it is now 1:1 instead of 1 SGD for 1.3 AUD.

My immediate plans

I would probably try hopping across the Asian region first, before venturing further. Armed with my laptop, and designing websites from some remote guesthouse that provides a table and internet access.

I used to get raised eyebrows all the time when I tell people of my dream to travel and work from anywhere in the world, but it does not seem so far fetched anymore.

One big hope and a few small ones

This is my one single big hope for 2009, to finally be able to try traveling and working. Along the way, I would hope to:

• find ways to diversify my income streams
• contribute more to causes
• connect to my spirit guides
• meditate more
• pick up yoga
• stay healthy

Here’s to a great 2009 to all of us.

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Looking back at 2008

2008 was a breakthrough year for me.

personally

• visit Noah’s Ark for the first time, which opened my heart and mind to experiencing the joy of seeing them liberated, roaming free on safe grounds
• fostered a stray
• got involved in a cause for the first time, inspired by the noah’s ark visit as I begun volunteering as and when I can with the local stray volunteer groups
• quit coffee as a daily fix which was a mini-miracle because I thought I could never live without it
• went on a meat-free diet due to spiritual and animal-loving reasons, another mini miracle because I enjoy my steaks
• paid more attention to my digestive system, or rather how the digestive system influences our overall health
• finally launched my blog, which you’re reading now
• bought a Nintendo wii & the iPhone 3G
• finally visited Pulau Redang and it did not disappoint
• I started to use twitter, which actually brought me some meaningful relationships, very kind words and support in good or bad times.

career-wise

• celebrated my 1st year anniversary as a solo freelancer in July 2008
• tried to work in a foreign country for the first time at Bali, in an effort to try out my dream to work from anywhere in the world
• celebrated the launch of a few websites that I am proud of
• learnt through the hard way that it is not realistic to expect myself to design for 8 hours a day, and that not to overbook myself or there will be repercussions
• discovered that the relationship between a client and a designer is akin to a romantic relationship. There must be some level of chemistry, and sometimes it works like a match in heaven, other times it doesn’t work out as beautifully as expected

family

• had a peaceful year with my family, which has not always been the case, so I am very thankful
• having things put in perspective because my parents were caught in the Sichuan earthquake while on a tour, thank God they managed to return home safely
• celebrated my 2nd year anniversary with my partner, whose support has been the cornerstone of my life and work
• discovered my dear friend whom I affectionately call ‘mudder’ may well be my daughter in my past life.

spiritually

• attended my first angels workshop with Elisabeth Jensen
• discovered the existence of Doreen Virtue
• found a local metaphysics online publication (thought Singapore & lightwork didn’t go together)
• attended my first animal commuication workshop, something that I had wanted to do ever since I learnt the existence of it
• gotten both the Soul Profile & Realignment & Spirit Guides Profile readings done
• read books on Edgar Cayce for the first time

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How I walked out of my own darkness (part i)

On hindsight, I was very blessed and lucky, because despite all those dark thoughts and feelings I had, there was this very tiny part of me that seemed to be holding on to something. That somehow there is more to life than what I have experienced – all that pain and helplessness – that there is a greater, deeper meaning and purpose to life.

The beginnings of my spiritual awakening

I was 16, heartbroken after ending my first, ever relationship. Yes, the age whereby people assume all relationships are just made up of puppy-love. Looking back, it was the first time in my life when I truly felt loved and appreciated by someone, judged not by my success or results, but by the person I was. It was the first time I knew what it means to be happy, I actually looked forward to every day just to be with the person I loved. So, when the relationship fell apart, it felt like my whole world came crashing down. I thought that I had lost my newfound meaning and purpose to life. Crying intensely day after day for two years wondering how was I going to survive losing what was my entire world, I stumbled upon The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama.

I was never particularly religious, but something compelled me to read that book. I was probably tired of all that crying, and if there was a step-by-step guide of finding happiness, I would gladly try. One particular part of the book propelled a whole string of thought processes in my head, I cannot exactly remember the quote, but it was along the lines of:

“Imagine life like a swinging pendulum. It does not swing up or down, it swings left and right. Happiness and suffering should not be perceived as up and down, but rather as left or right…”

I was struck by that thought. That we like to attach a negativity connotation to suffering. What if we think of pain from a neutral standpoint, that it is an alternative experience to happiness, and not a negative one?

I did not know it then, but that planted the first seeds of my spiritual awakening.

There are no co-incidences

If you have watched Kungfu Panda, you might remember the tortoise master telling the panda that there are no accidents in this world. The first time I came across this concept was when someone passed me her copy of The Celestine Prophecy. It was a fictional story but it used the story to communicate several spiritual concepts. I would not say much of the quality of the writing, but back then, at the age of 19, my hair stood while reading the book because of the many epiphanies I had during the reading process. It introduced me the concept of synchronicity, whereby there are no co-incidences, everything happens for a reason, and that everyone has a purpose in your life.

The book compelled me to review my past, the roles people have played in my life, the seemingly unfortunate events that turned out to be blessings in disguise. Most importantly, I recognised that every time something negative happens to me, I seem to gain something positive out of it, eventually. This major epiphany created a re-processing of my thought patterns.

Most importantly, I recognised that every time something negative happens to me, I seem to gain something positive out of it, eventually.

Previously I would think that life had been unfair and meaningless, I allowed myself to be in the victim-mode and wallowed in self-pity. I pondered to myself, if everything happens for a reason, I can no longer have delusions about the unjust state of my life. I made myself think backwards, and the more I thought about it, the more I was convinced of its truth.

One example of a blessing in disguise

The combination of the above heart-break and my addiction to computers when I was 16 turned out to be too much to handle for me, as I did very badly for my GCE O’ Levels. The child prodigy had turned into the utter failure. My self-esteem plunged, as I blamed myself for being unable to separate my emotions from practicalities, and of course, my parents never ceased to remind me of their disappointment. For many years I could not live with the failure, I desperately wanted to prove myself, subconsciously I wanted my parents to feel like I deserved their love.

However, with the benefit of hindsight, I realised, if I had not done badly for my papers, if I had been a straight-As student as I was in elementary/primary school, I would probably gone on to complete my A levels, and then to University which I had intended to complete a liberal arts degree and step into teaching, in an attempt to follow in the footsteps of my cousins I grew up with, or rather, in a foolish attempt to gain mass approval.

I might have gotten out of that in the middle of it all, but I would probably be much more unhappier, and the fear of disappointment would have been greater, as the expectations would naturally become higher. I might have chosen a career I hated (shudder), and I might not ever get out of it.

I like the route I have chosen, even though it brought me a lot of doubt and pain, but if I had to choose all over again, to be that perceived utter failure or the child prodigy, I would gladly choose the utter failure anytime. At the very least, I can be proud to say that I had fought for what I love to do.

At the very least, I can be proud to say that I had fought for what I love to do.

Matter of perception

If, I had never read The Celestine Prophecy, if it never came to my mind the wonders of synchronicity, I might not have had the benefit of hindsight and the life-changing epiphanies. I would probably have focused very negatively on my past failures and unhappy events, and continued to perceive myself as the victim.

It is intriguing and yet powerful – the power of perception. One can choose to look at the silver-linings, or to think of oneself as the unluckiest person ever.

My original intention is to write one post on how I walked out of my own darkness, but I realised there’s too much to be written for one post. You might just fall asleep reading halfway. :P This will be followed up by a one or more parts. Thank you for your time and patience.

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The pain of swimming against the flow

Many people go out of their way to be unique. They spend tons of money to buy that item nobody has, or to make themselves look better than others. Work their entire lives to be at the top, or to be at the center of attention. I have actually spent most of my life trying to be like others, to fit in, to stick out less like a sore thumb.

The childhood

I am not sure when was the exact moment in my life when I discovered I was unlike most, or at least, most of the people around me. A vivid recollection was of myself when I was 5, looking out of a window of a 10th floor apartment, wondering how it feels like to die. I was contemplating life, wondering what was the meaning, why do people want to live, when at the end of the day, no matter how you lived your life, it comes to naught. I was wondering why do I have to spend 70 years living to die.

I did not know at that point, that 5 year old kids shouldn’t be thinking about life and death.

The education

I did not enjoy school very much, I could not talk to my peers. I tried very hard to be part of cliques, to feel that I belong somewhere. While the other girls are talking about shopping and boys, I was more intrigued with computers and design. The other kids tried to outdo each other academically, and I just wanted either my life or my education to end. I never liked to study, when the definition of the term equated to storing as much information as you can in your memory in order to excel in school. I was criticized endlessly for being lazy and complacent, when all I wanted was for someone to ask me whether I was even interested in what was being taught. Not that we had much of a choice when it comes to education in our system.

At 18 I made a huge decision to stand up against my parents and drop out of the diploma course I was studying for 1.5 years. The irony was I was in the course in the first place to try to please them, to be like the rest. What I really wanted to do was design, but it was deemed as the course with not much of a future, so I opted for the ‘safe’ compromise, a course in Information Technology. It did not take me long to learn that enjoying fixing computers was not the same as trying to comprehend data structures and algorithms. I excelled only in the soft programming modules and failed miserably at the rest. It was not about the tough work needed to complete the course, it was about being stuck in the industry after graduation for the rest of my life.

For quitting the course, my mom asked me what did she do to deserve a daughter like me. Again, the pain of being different.

For quitting the course, my mom asked me what did she do to deserve a daughter like me.

The career

I entered the workforce at age 19, filled with hope and idealism, thinking that finally am able to do what I love to do. I have chosen this path myself and I would be happy on it. I was wrong. I did not anticipate the employers taking advantage of my youth and naiveity, I was willing to work for very little money just to be able to do what I love to do. I was underpaid, overworked, and mis-managed. That I could accept.

I was underpaid, overworked, and mis-managed. That I could accept.

I could not accept the employer who told me to copy an idea directly from an award annual, or the employer who was evading debt which made the suppliers hound me endlessly, or the job when I spent 6 months doing nothing, or the partners of the firm who could not stand each other and ended up using the employees to spite one another, or the one who allowed the clients to art-direct, even if it meant that the work came out looking worse than crap. Seriously and honestly, these were what I went through job after job, still trying to find that one company which is passionate about the work, the company whose beliefs are aligned with mine.

I had spent seven years trying to be like others, because the society looked down on those who cannot keep a job. In between jobs I was once so disillusioned that I took on a temp job with an insurance company as an administrative assistant, just to avoid having my heart broken again.

It was a very simple wish, and perhaps its simplicity made it even more difficult. I simply wished for a firm that does good work, a firm that believed in its people and would treat them right.  I did not care about the money, the hype or the benefits. I just wanted to grow as a designer and do good work, and if possible, find a mentor.

I just wanted to grow as a designer and do good work, and if possible, find a mentor.

The harsh reality is, in Singapore’s small and very competitive economy, it is difficult for a firm to stand firm in their beliefs and not end up boot-licking clients just to survive. There are a few, but only the very best worked for these. I was not good enough to be one of the very best, or would not be considered because of the lack of big names in my resume or the lack of a formal design education.

My desire to be a good designer was so intense that I wrote several cold letters to carefully chosen design studios for an internship, at the point of my career when I can comfortably take a senior position in a mid-sized firm. I consciously chose not to apply for work in big firms because I knew I would be pigeon-holed to work on a single client account. In all honesty I do not think I can be really creative staring at the same products for the length of my tenure.

Eventually one of the firms responded, but the situation did not last long, due to one of the human-related reasons mentioned above.

Time after time, I had my heart broken, and the people around me never failed to show me their disappointment. I loved my work, and because of trying to stay true to my own beliefs, I ended up disappointing those who love me. In their minds they are probably wondering why I cannot be like the rest that went to universities to get any degree, gotten a stable job, and settled down. I simply cannot stay in a job for the sake of staying in a job. Once, I mentioned to a friend that I wanted to find a job that I love, and she laughed in my face, saying that it does not exist. I would have been a very different person today if I had taken her seriously.

I simply cannot stay in a job for the sake of staying in a job.

The struggle

It is not easy to be different, to swim away from the mainstream. People misunderstand, people get let down when you don’t fulfill society’s expectations. When the people involved are the people you love, it is of no wonder that I have spent many years of my life trying to follow the rest and struggling with my heart. I went into a vicious cycle, whereby I would try to make a compromise, make a safe decision, and I would be unhappy, which was a matter of time that I would listen to my heart and bail out. I would tell myself not to repeat the same mistake, and I must be true to myself, but I would succumb to people’s expectations again.

Deep in my heart, I just wanted to make the people who love me proud of me.

Deep in my heart, I just wanted to make the people who love me proud of me. However, in trying to do so, in attempting to live my life the way people wanted me to, I became really unhappy, and when I can no longer accept the situation, these people get disappointed again.

I realised I have ended up hurting them more by trying to be the person they want me to be.

In my next post I will write about why I gave up employment, how a series of epiphanies made me realise that I should take ownership of my own life and be proud of my individuality.

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When people think pursuing your dreams is a waste.

My cousin made a decision to leave her stable job she had for a decade in one of the government’s ministries to pursue a five-year degree in Vet Science, which is a life-long dream of hers. This is a courageous decision, taking into consideration that she is already in her mid-thirties, and it is not easy for anyone to leave a comfort zone, not to mention she is a typical, pragmatic Capricorn. I applaud her. I seem to be the one of the very few in the family to be doing so, because the typical reaction was, “What a waste!”.

What is exactly a waste?

Apparently to my typical, conservative Singaporean family, leaving a comfortable, safe job that pays well, especially after being in it for a decade, is an absolute waste. It is sad for me, because these people do not know how to appreciate life beyond comfort and security.

How can pursuing one’s dream be ever deemed a waste?

I could not help but retort, which is more of a waste?

1. To lie on your deathbed with millions in the bank, but wondering what it could have been? To have lived a stable, safe existence but never knew how it felt to pursue your dreams?

2. Or to lie on your deathbed, penniless, but fully satisfied that you have given your all to make your own dreams come true?

The Singaporean mentality

I cannot fault them for having this mentality because this was what they were taught to believe. The safe, comfortable route. The moment one begins an education in Singapore, we were led to think that nothing else but grades matter, and once we left the system, we were then led to think that nothing else but career stability and prestige matter.

I was brought up to think that pursuing your dream is naive. That it only happens in books and movies, and we should never attempt to try. That one will be unable to survive in Singapore without a tertiary degree, and parents get worried when their child exhibits signs of being creative, because that would be the last thing they want their child to do, secretly wishing their child would love numbers instead.

People would enrol in the local universities for courses they had zero interest in, because only the top students got into the courses they wanted, and the rest have to settle for anything, anywhere in the Uni, because even if you voluntarily choose to study for a technical diploma instead, people would just assume that you were not good enough for the Uni, and not because there’s nothing at the Uni that interests you.

That was how it was like for us born in the 1970s and the early 1980s. The kids now have a different set of issues. Parents now are enrolling their kids in all kinds of ‘enrichment’ courses because the Government decided that they want to develop Singapore into a ‘creative hub’.

I do not want to judge the Government because Singapore, being a tiny dot on the map without any natural resources, might not have survived without having the herd mentality.

On hindsight, I am truly blessed and guided, because somehow even when it got really difficult for me, I did not opt for the safer route. I actually tried to, because it was just so tiring going against the flow, but I felt so sick that it was just impossible for me to carry on.

Dedication

This post is dedicated to my dearest cousin, whom I spent most of my formative years with, because despite all the odds stacked against her, despite all the objection from the people she loves, she wants to pursue her dream.

She will leave her comfort zone, to learn how to live independently for the first time in her life in unfamiliar territory, and be away from the people whom she loves and who loves her, because she knows she has a greater purpose in her life and she needs to fulfil it.

Which is to do her part and her best for the animals she deeply loves.

Despite that I am proud of myself for following my heart as much as I can, I am not sure if I would have the same courage as she did. Thus, she deserves my deepest admiration, support, and love.

For those of you out there, if you have a dream, pursue it. You really would not want to be the rich, grumpy old person on your deathbed, never knowing how it feels to live the dream.

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When there’s too much to say

Prior to the site going live, I was getting frustrated with myself because I had so much to write on this blog, and my lack of time to develop this blog was being the one obstacle to me finally being able to unleash all my pent-up thoughts.

Now that the site is up, I slowly realised I thought wrong when I naively assumed that I’ll be so anxious to share my thoughts that I’ll be publishing long thoughtful posts at a daily rate.

I have so much to say, that I do not know where to start. I wanted to make a good start, and that intention quickly became my next stumbling block. Many times, I wanted to start writing, but I did not want my rush of thoughts to literally become too fragmented to be read. Wait for a better time, I kept telling myself.

That better time never seem to come.

Too many words, trying to come out of one mouthpiece, and they all end up getting stuck near the exit.

The best thing to do, is just to let the words flow from my heart.

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The other side of Roy Keane’s quitting habit

News filtered in at the major news sites yesterday that Roy Keane has quit Sunderland after a string of seven defeats. All of the football writers are criticising him for quitting when the going gets tough. That he was unable to persevere.

Now, that sounds really familiar. I have had people saying the same of me, because I did not fulfill society’s expectations of me when I did not subscribe the conventional hold-a-job-down-for-as-long-as-possible mentality.

I do not know Roy Keane personally, obviously. However, I do not see him in the same light as most people do. He is known for his fiery temper and passion, for his winning mentality, for his ability to command respect and awe as a professional footballer. He, more than once, almost single-handedly motivated his team mates to win a game when they were staring at defeat. He, was the player, who unselfishly played out his heart despite facing suspension to give Manchester United their first European final for many years.

How can a man like this, whom many professional footballers openly admire, be such a weakling that he must quit because he was unable to take hardship?

For most of my life while in employment, I have wondered the same question of myself. No matter how strong can one be, it is difficult not to be doubtful when everyone around you does not understand.

Roy Keane quit because he feels like he has given his all, and he is no longer confident of guiding the club back to winning ways. It is typically viewed as ‘courageous’ to stay on and fight, but is that really an act of courage, or an act of a selfish ego by stubbornly hanging on and risking the entire club’s fortunes along with himself?

Probably there are tons of many reasons that would remain hidden, perhaps it was because the new shareholder undermined his authority, nobody would know unless Keane himself steps out to talk about it. I believe he will, one day, when he is ready. He was never known to shy away from his words, and I am sure he is his own harshest critic.

His very high expectations of himself, is the same factor that has contributed so much of his success, as well as his failures. His high expectations of everyone around him, has landed him with tons of negative publicity, when he walked out of the world cup on his country, when he openly criticised both his team mates and the supporters of Manchester United.

All he wanted, and wants now, is to be true to himself.

When the day comes when you can no longer answer to yourself, that will be the day to have the guts to give up.

Many people fail to see that, quitting takes courage too.

Would a man like him fail to pre-anticipate all that backlash that is happening right now? He knew what he was in for, yet he still quit, rather than hang on to his job for dear life that many football managers do.

Roy Keane is an exceptional man, and for all his brilliance he will continue to be misunderstood, because the mainstream would not be able to empathise and understand what drives his actions.

Nobody probably feels worse about Sunderland’s current situation than the man himself.

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