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The feelings President Obama invoked in me

My partner was asking me why I was sniffing away watching Barack Obama, the 44th President of the United States, deliver his inauguration speech. Was I touched? Not really. I was not really able to describe my emotions.

The first time

I remember the first time I had watched him. It was a video linked from a blog, during the early days of the race of the Democratic nomination. I do not usually have the patience to watch any videos, but somehow, something urged me to click on it. My hair stood while I watched him that day. From that moment on I would not forget who Barack Obama is and what he stands for, just like the many others who had watched him speak.

I have always been interested in politics, but my interest in Obama grew deeper than a casual interest. I followed him from the democratic battle with Hilary Clinton to the presidential race with John McCain. When there was a clear winner on election day, I, along many others, heaved a sigh of relief, took in a breath of hope, and waited in anticipation. There was something surreal about his win, it felt so real, yet some part of it was unbelievable, a black man taking the center-stage of America.

Resonating with him

Why am I so taken with him? Because he is the epitome of what I believe in. His story, borders on being too familiar with me. The struggle against the odds, the belonging to the minority, the unwavering faith, the fight against the cynics.

Each time I hear him speak, I cannot help but get reminded about my own struggles, the darkness of my past, and the brightness of my future. He symbolises hope, his words inspire. He is deeply attached to and fiercely proud of the founding principles of America, based on liberty, equality, virtue and ideals.

Hope & ideals

He is the living example of how much one can achieve with undiluted hope and ideals.  I am sure people stifled their laughter when he would tell them of his dreams to contribute to American politics, or when he first ran for the Senator seat; people did not give him a chance when he was up against Hilary Clinton, they applauded his courage for doing so because it seemed like an impossible task, that he would even bother to try.

Hope and ideals – two words that do not have any grounded feel to them at all, that it was almost that these words do not exist in reality. It was with hope and ideals that I have built my life around, it was with hope and ideals that I formed my arguments to retort those people who had criticized the way I had made my decisions. People who were hopeful and idealistic, were typically labelled as being naive. The world does not function based on hope and ideals, the tired song we were taught to sing.

Shift in our consciousness

Obama winning the election marked a signficant shift in the world. Probably the world was already evolving, but his win brought about a sense of reality to the idea that people are finally willing to open their hearts instead of using their minds all the time. He did not just scrape through the election, he won by a landslide, and the number of people who turned up to watch his inauguration was unprecedented. He did not just win the support of the hopeful and idealistic, he had managed to convert many of the fatigued realists. For once, the idea of having hope and ideals are moving these people.

Gratitude to Obama

I will have to thank him. For his presence has made my journey feel less lonely, with more people seemingly willing to take the road less travelled. People will find it less amusing when I talk about my hope and ideals. He has opened the world’s eyes to the many possibilities possible with the intent, will, strength and faith. Over the past few months, it is as though the air seemed fresher, the colours seemed brighter, that somehow despite the failing economy, people are not afraid to fight hard for themselves and for other people. I watched as there were tears forming in the audience at the inauguration ceremony yesterday, tears forming in the eyes of the weathered faces, these tears are joy, that people are actually celebrating the inauguration from their hearts.

They all want to believe him, there is just something about Obama that makes you want to believe him. His speech was not the usual fluff, but pragmatic words that reminded us the need to face our issues and work hard at them.These words are not only inspiring for the Americans, but for everyone of us.

In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children’s children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God’s grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

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My Feelings & thoughts – whom they belong

I’ve always somehow prided myself on my emotions and imagination, thoughts and ideas. I could write, and still can, time permitting, pages after pages of words. I was the kid who kept asking for additional paper during examinations, much to the suspicion of the examiners. They raised their eyebrows when I asked for not one, not two, but like five pieces of additional paper, and would frown with concern when I would fall asleep after 30 minutes of writing. “Are you not feeling well”, they would ask, and then looked in disbelief when I would sleepily show them the pieces of paper, messily stapled, but written to the maximum, on both sides.

There was this part of my brain that would seem to effortlessly string up the words, formulate the ideas, structure the thought-forms. Being able to write was my pride and joy, and was my much needed comfort when I did miserably with my math and science.

I have kept a journal for the longest time. In my childhood it was the traditional type that had a tiny lock and key, and when the internet age caught up I maintained an online locked journal, documenting my darkest, deepest thoughts and feelings. At the lowest points of my life, I would remember pouring my heart and soul into words, and somehow, someway, the dark clouds in my mind would automatically lift mid way through my writing. My thoughts seemed to straighten themselves out through my own written words, pointing out the silver lining or the wider perspective that I never seemed to notice prior to journaling.

Journaling was therapeutic, which I attributed to writing being able to sort out my thoughts in a clear and structured manner.

Communication of another dimension

Erin Pavlina’s blog was the first blog I read that focused on spirituality. I remember having read about spirit guides somewhere before, but Erin’s blog was, and still is, one of the most comprehensive resource on spirituality and spirit guides. I began to wonder about the existence of my own guide/guides, and of course, I have an un-quenchable curiosity of the unknown. I think most people would want to know what their own guides have to say.

And so the quest began. I tried guided meditations and visualisations, went to an angels workshop, tried to learn how to communicate with animals at an animal communication workshop, and tried guided meditations again. My mind is over-active, to the point whereby I suffer from chronic insomnia because I have a problem trying to shut it off. I realised I was not really good at visualising because my mind does not seem to like holding any images for more than a few seconds, before getting interrupted by a random thought. My mind runs so fast that I suspect I myself cannot catch up most of the time.

I did not seem to be able to get much results trying to communicate telepathically, be it with my dogs or attempting to connect to my guides. Was it because of a noisy mind, or some self doubt, or there was really a psychic block? Perhaps a combination of the mentioned.

Perhaps the answer is…

My curiosity perpetually seems to get the better of me as I reckoned since I could not connect to my guides on my own, I would still want to know more about them. Thus, I went ahead to order a spirit guides profile reading, and at around the same time tried the free mini reading by Anna Conlan, whereby she would be able to tell people what are their primary intuitive vehicle – clairvoyance, clairaudience, clairsentience or claircognizance.

Interestingly, but not surprisingly, the reading from Anna tells me that my primary gift is clairsentience, followed by claircognizance. Basically I receive information through feelings, then through thoughts. The mini-reading re-affirmed my spirit guides reading (done by two separate lightworkers), which revealed that my primary guide works with my thoughts.

I cannot help but feel slightly amused, because all these while I have been expecting a vision or a voice in my head, when I should have just expected feelings and thoughts to come in.

Discernment

This is where the tricky part comes in. My primary guide has been with me all my life, I am so used to having wild, random or overactive thoughts in my head, I would not really know when is she dropping me hints. Yet I am certain of her presence, it is this sense of just knowing, because my intuition has always been my guiding light. I remember writing in a previous post, that somehow despite all those dark times, I have managed to be guided by some unknown source, there was always a flicker of hope and naive idealism, even at the lowest point of my life. All those times when I have been writing out my thoughts in my journal, have I been somewhat channeling someone else’s thoughts?

Empathy – my gift or my curse

I can probably write a whole new post on the subject of empathy and how it influences my life. I used to believe that I am born a cry-baby. I cry a lot, I tear because I am touched to see old couples holding hands, I cry helplessly at poigant movies, I cry whenever I have to leave a stray dog or cat behind, sometimes I even have crying bouts for no reason, which I attributed to PMS.

My empathy has been a wonderful gift, I could totally understand and relate to what other people are going through when they are feeling down, I can feel what they feel. However, I did not think of it as a literal sense – literally feeling what others are feeling. I have attributed my empathy to the ability to perceive myself in people’s shoes. That brings the understanding of people’s situations, I thought I felt so much because I was just a natural emotional wreck. Wherever I went people just seem to enjoy confiding in me, and I seem to be able to provide fresh perspectives to their issues.

Yet it did not come without a price. I noticed myself feeling constantly drained, and I realised that I did not like to be in crowds. While people at my age enjoyed parties and social gatherings, I preferred to hole myself up at home, on the bed, and literally rest without moving an inch. This was way before my journey into spirituality and I had presumed that I was perhaps not a very sociable person.

Have I been unconsciously picking up thoughts and feelings of people? Is there a real reason why I seem to be constantly fatigued? Have I allowed people to freely feed on my energy?

Those times of depression, was I feeling down because of my own unhappiness, or have I just been soaking up people’s feelings of unhappiness?

I do not have definite answers to these questions, not even after the psychic readings. However, I would definitely pay more attention to my thoughts and feelings from now on, that they may not truly belong to me, and I need to trust my intuition much more.

Next time I have this urge to do something, go to a bookstore to pick up a book, or to walk in a certain direction, I would probably heed it.

Gratitude

Though I am still hoping to see visions or hear voices in my head, I remain very thankful for my gifts, for they form the core of my being. I have been criticised as over-emotional, naive, delusional and illogical, but I would not have exchanged them for anything else. No amount of words can describe the feelings of joy when people tell me that I have been a comfort to them, or when I provide the unconventional perspective that perhaps they needed to see.

I look at where I am standing at my life now, none of these would have been possible if I had not been naive or over-emotional by most people’s standards.

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My hopes for 2009; the right time is now

The previous few years were major milestones of my life: in 2006 I met the person whom I think I am going to spend the rest of my life with, in 2007 I took the leap of faith into self-employment, and in 2008 spirituality took on a whole new meaning as I seeked for answers . All these events happened without any form of warning or planning, and therefore I have come to the conclusion that the best things in life happen when you’re least expecting it.

I have no doubt that the sequence of events were intricately linked – the stability of my personal life allowed me to seek the instability of a solo career, while the freedom of being a solo designer allowed me to experiment with spirituality. I do not think I would think of attending workshops had I still been trapped in the body of an overworked designer. :)

Looking forward to 2009, I do not want to plan resolutions because I know life typically, at least for me, does not go according to plan. Instead, I hope to draft my hopes for this year, setting the intention, cross my fingers and hope for the best.

No more waiting

Near the very end of 2008, I came to the realisation that I cannot wait any longer put my dreams into action. I have spent most of my life waiting, waiting to grow up, waiting to start working, waiting to be financially secure. Yes, even for someone like me, financial security is important. I had wanted to wait till my income would be strong enough to support my conquer-the-world plans. However, a series of happenings opened my eyes to my own foolishness. Life is unpredictable, just like happy events occur when you’re least expecting it, unfortunate ones happen without much warning too. What if financial security eventually arrives, and my health can no longer support my travel plans? Wouldn’t that be the greatest irony?

I know I sound paranoid, but I sounded paranoid when I used to speak about banks collapsing and people losing money that were earned over a lifetime. This was before the economic crisis and it sounded unfathomable, yet am sure it does not really sound unrealistic now.

A friend of mine recently recounted how her cousin’s husband passed away unexpectedly with a heart attack, at the age of 28. The age I would be turning in approximately four months time. I do not want to have the it-will-not-happen-to-me mentality, because I jolly well know anything can happen to anyone.

The right time is now

Thus, this year I intend to put my travel plans into action, no matter how much it disturbs me to see numbers in my bank account dwindling. Ironically, I never felt the pinch when I was younger and poorer, when I was living paycheck to paycheck and would be lucky not to incur any debt. People tend to fear losing when they have more to lose. The instability of freelancing have forced me into putting money away for the rainy day, but the more money I put away, the more I become attached to it. I am not saying that I want to go back living to paycheck to paycheck, but I do recognise the need to adjust my mentality.

The illusion of security

With the state of the economy, it seems like madness to want to be less attached to my money and initiate travel plans. These are times of uncertainty, I should be saving every single cent I can grab, right? Yes, there is also a possibility I may become the most successful money hoarder in 2009 and still get stricken down with illness, and I am not willing to risk that possibility. Times of uncertainty or not, life is still fragile.

To me, security is an illusion anyway. Times can be good, and no matter how secure or prepared anyone can be, everything can still be taken away from you in an instant.

Life should not come to a standstill in times of uncertainty. Fear breeds more fear. On the bright side, travel costs would probably be significantly lower. For example, it is a great time to visit the UK now, because right now it is 1 SGD to 2.1 pounds, whereas it used to be 1:3 in better times. Ditto for Australia, it is now 1:1 instead of 1 SGD for 1.3 AUD.

My immediate plans

I would probably try hopping across the Asian region first, before venturing further. Armed with my laptop, and designing websites from some remote guesthouse that provides a table and internet access.

I used to get raised eyebrows all the time when I tell people of my dream to travel and work from anywhere in the world, but it does not seem so far fetched anymore.

One big hope and a few small ones

This is my one single big hope for 2009, to finally be able to try traveling and working. Along the way, I would hope to:

• find ways to diversify my income streams
• contribute more to causes
• connect to my spirit guides
• meditate more
• pick up yoga
• stay healthy

Here’s to a great 2009 to all of us.

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Looking back at 2008

2008 was a breakthrough year for me.

personally

• visit Noah’s Ark for the first time, which opened my heart and mind to experiencing the joy of seeing them liberated, roaming free on safe grounds
• fostered a stray
• got involved in a cause for the first time, inspired by the noah’s ark visit as I begun volunteering as and when I can with the local stray volunteer groups
• quit coffee as a daily fix which was a mini-miracle because I thought I could never live without it
• went on a meat-free diet due to spiritual and animal-loving reasons, another mini miracle because I enjoy my steaks
• paid more attention to my digestive system, or rather how the digestive system influences our overall health
• finally launched my blog, which you’re reading now
• bought a Nintendo wii & the iPhone 3G
• finally visited Pulau Redang and it did not disappoint
• I started to use twitter, which actually brought me some meaningful relationships, very kind words and support in good or bad times.

career-wise

• celebrated my 1st year anniversary as a solo freelancer in July 2008
• tried to work in a foreign country for the first time at Bali, in an effort to try out my dream to work from anywhere in the world
• celebrated the launch of a few websites that I am proud of
• learnt through the hard way that it is not realistic to expect myself to design for 8 hours a day, and that not to overbook myself or there will be repercussions
• discovered that the relationship between a client and a designer is akin to a romantic relationship. There must be some level of chemistry, and sometimes it works like a match in heaven, other times it doesn’t work out as beautifully as expected

family

• had a peaceful year with my family, which has not always been the case, so I am very thankful
• having things put in perspective because my parents were caught in the Sichuan earthquake while on a tour, thank God they managed to return home safely
• celebrated my 2nd year anniversary with my partner, whose support has been the cornerstone of my life and work
• discovered my dear friend whom I affectionately call ‘mudder’ may well be my daughter in my past life.

spiritually

• attended my first angels workshop with Elisabeth Jensen
• discovered the existence of Doreen Virtue
• found a local metaphysics online publication (thought Singapore & lightwork didn’t go together)
• attended my first animal commuication workshop, something that I had wanted to do ever since I learnt the existence of it
• gotten both the Soul Profile & Realignment & Spirit Guides Profile readings done
• read books on Edgar Cayce for the first time

Leave some thoughts?