So I'm not afraid to admit I'm slightly obsessed with the elections in Singapore. Perhaps there's a thin line between obsession and passion. Not to the point that I go to rallies physically (I'm crowd phobic actually) but I monitor my twitter stream and Facebook feed like every 5 minutes. I retweet links, share my own thoughts, selecting quotes to display and basically disseminate as much information I can.

Someone told me I shouldn't be obsessed. Hmm. After feeling suppressed my entire life, I don't think I can oppress myself any further. I feel that this may be the same case for many people. Having to put up with threats and fear all our lives, from every single level you can imagine – the government, the authorities, our teachers, parents, etc – now that we can actually have some self-expression, of course there's tons of noise being generated!

I felt a little guilty, because I am like ignoring all other aspects of my life. I do whatever I can for my work, but other than that, I've stopped watching tv, stopped doing pretty much everything else. I paused for a while and questioned myself if what I was doing was right.

Then I realised, hey, I'm just taking 10 days out of 4 years to do my best as a Singaporean. I don't think that's too much to ask for. Sorry if you've been a neglected friend, or irritated friends and followers on my social media accounts. Please feel free to block me or whatever, but I cannot stop expressing my views freely.

I've been writing the same in several blog posts, I want to be the change I want. So if I cannot stand for elections myself, I will do everything in my capacity to disseminate information. I will speak, loud and clear. I want to preserve my own voice. I want to set an example for our future generations, that they too, can and should have their own voices.

I am proud to be a human being with a lot of heart, so by natural extension, I want to be part of a country with heart as well. I want to have a leader who inspires me. I mean, if you safe and secure types like having those kind of leaders, I respect your choice. But please don't try and tell me that I should be happy being safe and secure. I like living on the edges. I may be considered radical, I do not know, it really depends on which school of thought you belong to. Perhaps Singapore would eventually prove to be economically unviable to have that sort of leadership that possesses empathy with the commonfolk, but I would like to try.

It is like choosing a lifetime partner, a career route. People keep telling me what I should choose. I am genuinely sick of that. I just want to make choices based on my own preferences, can I? I don't care if I am naive or idealistic because this is the way I have been living and this is the way I like myself best. With lots of heart. With ideals. With passion. With a genuine desire to push for change. Not only for myself but for the kids of future generations. They need love, nurturing and ideals, not 16 hour school days with school bags that weigh 5kg. They should walk around with fire in the eyes, not with a glazed look and detachment from everything.

They can choose to fall down themselves, make a few mistakes, but we shouldn't sabotage them.

You know, sometimes I ask myself. Why do I bother? I mean, I'll just work hard, save up a considerable sum, find a country that suits my ideals, and live there for the rest of my life. Why do I bother myself with what happens to the future generations?

I have no concrete answer. All I can say is, that it pains me to see clones of me walking around. Thinking there's no hope to be doing what you love.

Can I live with myself not doing anything for these kids even though I know there's could be some light at the end of the tunnel?

No, I can't. I can't bear the thought of just one more person who was on the same self-destructive and self-loathing pathway that I was taking. Because I've now had the benefit of hindsight and now I know that it is possible to live authentically and do what you love. It is possible to be a little bit more human. It is possible to have crappy O level results, with no tertiary degree and still be happy.

I wished I had someone tell me that 15 years ago.

I saw a rally speech by Mr Chiam See Tong, he said, that our MM Lee had taken a particular interest in his O level results. He only had five credits. Our MM was asking, if this is the person you want to be holding office. The guy with 5 O level credits, or the one with straight As (*ahem* Mah Bow Tan)?

So this is what we tell our kids. Hey, judge people on the number of As okay?

Mr Chiam said, not in his exact words as I can't remember – 'if your mother scold you for your O level results, you can quote me as an example. I had 5 credits but now I am a lawyer. When there is life, there is hope. When there is hope, there is change.'

These are the kind of words our leaders should be telling us. But maybe they can't. Else we'll stop being GDP machines.

Why can't we look at the bigger picture? I can't help but feel, they don't want to look at that picture. They know about the poor but they only want to do the minimum effort. They're not doing a good job of trying to convince us that they make all these decisions because they truly care about the people instead of lining their own pockets.

I saw another quote from SM Goh (youtube video), referring to JBJ, saying that JBJ had fought for welfare, and 'we were dead against it'. (In this context he must have meant social payouts - perhaps we can't have payouts but I definitely believe we can do more for the poor since we are so f*cking rich.)

Now I see. Rich people live happily ever after and it is okay to leave the poor behind.

I as an individual, rather not have the glamour of YOG and rather spend that 400 million trying to help our poor. Where are our priorities?

Yeah okay, if Singapore wants to be an efficient country with strong GDP, casinos and children with glazed eyes.....and if like some of my friends seem very uncomfortable that the stability of our country is now being threatened by democracy, that you tell them about the poor, the injustice of the ISA, but it doesn't matter to them as long as their pockets are full....

Then maybe it is really just me. I can't be part of this place. If one day, I've tried my best and the country takes a turn for the worse in terms of human spirit, I'll not hesitate to pack up and leave. At least I have given my all.

p.s. dedicating this to the people who has been telling me I should be grateful that Singapore is safe, secure and stable. Please be grateful all you want, I have spent my life hating myself because I was trying to be safe, secure and stable. I want to have more heart, and if that comes at the price of my safety, stability and security, I'll gladly exchange my life for it. I, just want to be myself and express my own preferences.

In my earlier years I've always craved for a proper design mentor, I was still lucky because I did meet a few senior designers who accelerated my learning, but I shudder at the thought of being stuck with one for a year or two and he/she was not the correct fit (I really believe in this fitting thing. Get the right fit and you blossom. The wrong one and it can be traumatic). What would have happened if I broke my internship (I mean if I was in that scenario)? Would that destroy my design career at young, tender age? That is, if I had the money to pursue a design education in the first place.

My response below:

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Your proposal sounds like architect training, typically five years of institutional education with three years of internship before being a recognised professional.

I feel that it is a very ideal idea, it will give us the foundation and credibility the design profession so sorely lack.

However, one of the most beautiful aspects of design is its low barrier of entry. Of course, everything is a double edged sword, with the low barrier of entry you get drones of designers with unprofessional practice or behavior.

Yet, it allows many of us, who never had a proper chance to go through formal education to have an equal shot at being an accomplished designer. I believe many of us had unconventional pasts and perhaps lack the emotional maturity to go through a structured process of education in our earlier years.

Many of us went through that serendipitous, raw process of self-discovery – that unquenchable thirst for knowledge and insatiable curiousity to learn – through lots of hands-on work and interaction with like-minded people.

If this was a profession that required such stringent accreditation, there will be many of us left out – just like I am sure there are many who dreamed of becoming architects but were unable to do so because of pragmatic restrictions.

Besides, not many accomplished/experienced designers are great mentors. Learning from someone who can be a wrong fit can be detrimental instead.

Perhaps it is worthwhile practicising design principles on a designer's education – balancing structure with creative freedom. Or perhaps allow natural selection to take place. Isn't it about the portfolio? A good client goes out of his/her way to find a good designer/agency (and not rely on a big-name traditional agency for example).

I believe young designers who have the desire and drive to succeed, will. Those who have plainly rely on their prestigious college degrees, or have 'vague notions on how to improve their lacklusture portfolio' may not be suited for this career anyway, and will not be helped by any 'rigorous training process'.

It is easy to be a designer, but not easy to stay as one, and even more difficult to be a successful one.

Besides, every now and then, we get stunned by some young uneducated talent at the age of 16++. We wouldn't want to be deprived of this, would we? :)