defragment.me

9 blessings to count (for what I am grateful for)

I am prone to waking up on the wrong side of the bed some times and wonder why situations in my life seems so difficult. My better self will remind me that I am already living a very blessed life, and I should be nothing but very grateful for what I have been given. There are times when it is difficult for me (being sensitive and emotional) to snap out of my negative moods, thus today I have decided I should write out a list of things that makes me happy and I should be grateful for – for that rainy day when I need that subtle reminder.

1. Being healthy

This is something that many of us possess and yet take for granted every day. Isn't health in itself something to be really grateful for? We simply need to flash a thought of someone living in borrowed time or someone who needs to go through painful treatments for chronic/terminal illnesses and I assure you that you'll feel instantly better about whatever crappy day you have.

2. Having my sight and limbs intact

This is closely related to the point above but I think it deserve a mention on its own. Isn't it wonderful to be able to walk, write, paint, cook, etc? That we have the ability to travel to anywhere we want, enjoy any physical activity, and do interesting stuff with our hands, take in the most beautiful sights?  I think a lot of us take this for granted as well.

3. Being able to eat and taste whatever I want

I love to eat. Eating makes me happy or it comforts me when I feel down or stressed. Of course, nobody should over indulge in food, but it is a blessing to be able to eat. Next time you lift the fork and poke at that boring plate of food, re-think again, because no matter how bad it tastes, you should be grateful for it, for not everybody is so blessed – think about the millions of starving people in poorer countries.

4. Being self-employed

Working on my own and from home is indeed a great blessing, because it allows me to be in control of my own destiny to a certain extent. I am very grateful for this because in times of recession I do not feel insecure about my job. It is up to myself to ensure that I survive, and not because some top-level executive have decided that it is the best strategic decision to retrench 10,000 employees. Sure, my business may not be as stable as before, but it is still in my own hands. I am certain that if I work that extra bit harder than before, I will eventually reap fruits of my own labour. If not, at least I had a good shot at it. Anything beats those days I had whereby I worked 16 hour shifts to meet mad deadlines and at the end of the year, the bosses buy new cars and property, while we employees cannot even be sure if we are entitled to an extra month's bonuses.

5. Not having to wake up at a certain time

Having my own business for more than a year, I have learnt to appreciate routines. I used to hate waking up in the morning, but I've somehow grown to enjoy it. However, I do not like it at all when I have to do it because everyone says so. There are times when I feel absolutely uninspired and it was a waste of time being at the office and trying to churn out work for the sake of it. It would have been more productive if I was allowed to rest and recuperate – am sure the work produced would have been better. I also thought that it was pointless trying to work when all I really want to do is to sleep. Now I have planned my own routine, but at least it is designed for me.

I know that in huge organizations it may be difficult to give employees a degree of freedom, but there have been instances whereby it has been implemented successfully.

6. Having my family and partner

Not everyone can be so blessed to have a supportive family and who loves you for who you are. I have had severe issues with my parents in my earlier years but I am very glad that they have been sorted out now. They make the effort to accept me for the person I am and I know it in my heart. They have been a great stabilizing factor in my life, especially during uncertain times. It is easy to take people around you for granted, but I constantly remind myself that I wouldn't know the day they'll no longer be around, so I do make the effort to spend quality time with them.

7. The freedom to work from anywhere (with an internet connection)

Technically (but not financially yet), I am able to start my dream of working from anywhere I want to be as long as I have an internet connection and my laptop. I have great understanding clients who accept the way I work (virtually). In fact, am just indebted to the internet, or else I would not be able to fulfill my nomadic tendencies. I can write a whole new post (which I will) on how grateful I am for technology. Without the internet I would not be able to work from home, nor in the first place would I be able to realise I have a gift for design (which was discovered trying to design my own website).

8. Turning my passion into my career

There have been times when I almost wanted to give up but am glad I did not. For being a designer has allowed me to live the life I want, and make people happy in the process. It is indeed satisfying when my work helps my clients to generate more income, positive feedback, experiences, or attention. This is what that fuels and motivates me. I do not design because I like to look at pretty stuff, or to impress people of my ability, but rather the knowledge of the impact it may have on others, not only aesthetically, but economically, and even socially.

Good design is an important vehicle for carrying messages. On a material level it helps people to understand a product more, but it is a whole different ball game altogether when you can be involved in carrying a message for a social cause.

9. Being able to communicate to a wider audience

The last time I checked, I have like roughly 10 rss subscribers on this blog's feed. Which is really pretty insignificant in internet terms, but to me it matters, every 10 of you, no matter who you are. I feel blessed to have this platform to publish and share my thoughts with you. If I was born in an earlier era, I would not be able to do so at all! Sharing enables one to learn from each other, which I have learnt a lot by sharing, and also from material that people have shared online.

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If you're one of my 10 rss subscribers, do leave a comment and let me know of who you are if you have the time. :) It would be nice to get to know all of you. I am curious to know what people think of what I write on this site.

My Feelings & thoughts – whom they belong

I've always somehow prided myself on my emotions and imagination, thoughts and ideas. I could write, and still can, time permitting, pages after pages of words. I was the kid who kept asking for additional paper during examinations, much to the suspicion of the examiners. They raised their eyebrows when I asked for not one, not two, but like five pieces of additional paper, and would frown with concern when I would fall asleep after 30 minutes of writing. "Are you not feeling well", they would ask, and then looked in disbelief when I would sleepily show them the pieces of paper, messily stapled, but written to the maximum, on both sides.

There was this part of my brain that would seem to effortlessly string up the words, formulate the ideas, structure the thought-forms. Being able to write was my pride and joy, and was my much needed comfort when I did miserably with my math and science.

I have kept a journal for the longest time. In my childhood it was the traditional type that had a tiny lock and key, and when the internet age caught up I maintained an online locked journal, documenting my darkest, deepest thoughts and feelings. At the lowest points of my life, I would remember pouring my heart and soul into words, and somehow, someway, the dark clouds in my mind would automatically lift mid way through my writing. My thoughts seemed to straighten themselves out through my own written words, pointing out the silver lining or the wider perspective that I never seemed to notice prior to journaling.

Journaling was therapeutic, which I attributed to writing being able to sort out my thoughts in a clear and structured manner.

Communication of another dimension

Erin Pavlina's blog was the first blog I read that focused on spirituality. I remember having read about spirit guides somewhere before, but Erin's blog was, and still is, one of the most comprehensive resource on spirituality and spirit guides. I began to wonder about the existence of my own guide/guides, and of course, I have an un-quenchable curiosity of the unknown. I think most people would want to know what their own guides have to say.

And so the quest began. I tried guided meditations and visualisations, went to an angels workshop, tried to learn how to communicate with animals at an animal communication workshop, and tried guided meditations again. My mind is over-active, to the point whereby I suffer from chronic insomnia because I have a problem trying to shut it off. I realised I was not really good at visualising because my mind does not seem to like holding any images for more than a few seconds, before getting interrupted by a random thought. My mind runs so fast that I suspect I myself cannot catch up most of the time.

I did not seem to be able to get much results trying to communicate telepathically, be it with my dogs or attempting to connect to my guides. Was it because of a noisy mind, or some self doubt, or there was really a psychic block? Perhaps a combination of the mentioned.

Perhaps the answer is...

My curiosity perpetually seems to get the better of me as I reckoned since I could not connect to my guides on my own, I would still want to know more about them. Thus, I went ahead to order a spirit guides profile reading, and at around the same time tried the free mini reading by Anna Conlan, whereby she would be able to tell people what are their primary intuitive vehicle – clairvoyance, clairaudience, clairsentience or claircognizance.

Interestingly, but not surprisingly, the reading from Anna tells me that my primary gift is clairsentience, followed by claircognizance. Basically I receive information through feelings, then through thoughts. The mini-reading re-affirmed my spirit guides reading (done by two separate lightworkers), which revealed that my primary guide works with my thoughts.

I cannot help but feel slightly amused, because all these while I have been expecting a vision or a voice in my head, when I should have just expected feelings and thoughts to come in.

Discernment

This is where the tricky part comes in. My primary guide has been with me all my life, I am so used to having wild, random or overactive thoughts in my head, I would not really know when is she dropping me hints. Yet I am certain of her presence, it is this sense of just knowing, because my intuition has always been my guiding light. I remember writing in a previous post, that somehow despite all those dark times, I have managed to be guided by some unknown source, there was always a flicker of hope and naive idealism, even at the lowest point of my life. All those times when I have been writing out my thoughts in my journal, have I been somewhat channeling someone else's thoughts?

Empathy – my gift or my curse

I can probably write a whole new post on the subject of empathy and how it influences my life. I used to believe that I am born a cry-baby. I cry a lot, I tear because I am touched to see old couples holding hands, I cry helplessly at poigant movies, I cry whenever I have to leave a stray dog or cat behind, sometimes I even have crying bouts for no reason, which I attributed to PMS.

My empathy has been a wonderful gift, I could totally understand and relate to what other people are going through when they are feeling down, I can feel what they feel. However, I did not think of it as a literal sense – literally feeling what others are feeling. I have attributed my empathy to the ability to perceive myself in people's shoes. That brings the understanding of people's situations, I thought I felt so much because I was just a natural emotional wreck. Wherever I went people just seem to enjoy confiding in me, and I seem to be able to provide fresh perspectives to their issues.

Yet it did not come without a price. I noticed myself feeling constantly drained, and I realised that I did not like to be in crowds. While people at my age enjoyed parties and social gatherings, I preferred to hole myself up at home, on the bed, and literally rest without moving an inch. This was way before my journey into spirituality and I had presumed that I was perhaps not a very sociable person.

Have I been unconsciously picking up thoughts and feelings of people? Is there a real reason why I seem to be constantly fatigued? Have I allowed people to freely feed on my energy?

Those times of depression, was I feeling down because of my own unhappiness, or have I just been soaking up people's feelings of unhappiness?

I do not have definite answers to these questions, not even after the psychic readings. However, I would definitely pay more attention to my thoughts and feelings from now on, that they may not truly belong to me, and I need to trust my intuition much more.

Next time I have this urge to do something, go to a bookstore to pick up a book, or to walk in a certain direction, I would probably heed it.

Gratitude

Though I am still hoping to see visions or hear voices in my head, I remain very thankful for my gifts, for they form the core of my being. I have been criticised as over-emotional, naive, delusional and illogical, but I would not have exchanged them for anything else. No amount of words can describe the feelings of joy when people tell me that I have been a comfort to them, or when I provide the unconventional perspective that perhaps they needed to see.

I look at where I am standing at my life now, none of these would have been possible if I had not been naive or over-emotional by most people's standards.