defragment.me

Why I do my best for the elections

I admit I do have a mildly obsessive nature. I don't know if you can put mildly and obsessive in the same sentence. This sort of nature has served me well when I am in any learning process. Whether was it learning Photoshop, building my first PC or trying to build my first website. When I really want to do something, I have to do it, or I can't let it rest.

So I'm not afraid to admit I'm slightly obsessed with the elections in Singapore. Perhaps there's a thin line between obsession and passion. Not to the point that I go to rallies physically (I'm crowd phobic actually) but I monitor my twitter stream and Facebook feed like every 5 minutes. I retweet links, share my own thoughts, selecting quotes to display and basically disseminate as much information I can.

Someone told me I shouldn't be obsessed. Hmm. After feeling suppressed my entire life, I don't think I can oppress myself any further. I feel that this may be the same case for many people. Having to put up with threats and fear all our lives, from every single level you can imagine – the government, the authorities, our teachers, parents, etc – now that we can actually have some self-expression, of course there's tons of noise being generated!

I felt a little guilty, because I am like ignoring all other aspects of my life. I do whatever I can for my work, but other than that, I've stopped watching tv, stopped doing pretty much everything else. I paused for a while and questioned myself if what I was doing was right.

Then I realised, hey, I'm just taking 10 days out of 4 years to do my best as a Singaporean. I don't think that's too much to ask for. Sorry if you've been a neglected friend, or irritated friends and followers on my social media accounts. Please feel free to block me or whatever, but I cannot stop expressing my views freely.

I've been writing the same in several blog posts, I want to be the change I want. So if I cannot stand for elections myself, I will do everything in my capacity to disseminate information. I will speak, loud and clear. I want to preserve my own voice. I want to set an example for our future generations, that they too, can and should have their own voices.

I am proud to be a human being with a lot of heart, so by natural extension, I want to be part of a country with heart as well. I want to have a leader who inspires me. I mean, if you safe and secure types like having those kind of leaders, I respect your choice. But please don't try and tell me that I should be happy being safe and secure. I like living on the edges. I may be considered radical, I do not know, it really depends on which school of thought you belong to. Perhaps Singapore would eventually prove to be economically unviable to have that sort of leadership that possesses empathy with the commonfolk, but I would like to try.

It is like choosing a lifetime partner, a career route. People keep telling me what I should choose. I am genuinely sick of that. I just want to make choices based on my own preferences, can I? I don't care if I am naive or idealistic because this is the way I have been living and this is the way I like myself best. With lots of heart. With ideals. With passion. With a genuine desire to push for change. Not only for myself but for the kids of future generations. They need love, nurturing and ideals, not 16 hour school days with school bags that weigh 5kg. They should walk around with fire in the eyes, not with a glazed look and detachment from everything.

They can choose to fall down themselves, make a few mistakes, but we shouldn't sabotage them.

You know, sometimes I ask myself. Why do I bother? I mean, I'll just work hard, save up a considerable sum, find a country that suits my ideals, and live there for the rest of my life. Why do I bother myself with what happens to the future generations?

I have no concrete answer. All I can say is, that it pains me to see clones of me walking around. Thinking there's no hope to be doing what you love.

Can I live with myself not doing anything for these kids even though I know there's could be some light at the end of the tunnel?

No, I can't. I can't bear the thought of just one more person who was on the same self-destructive and self-loathing pathway that I was taking. Because I've now had the benefit of hindsight and now I know that it is possible to live authentically and do what you love. It is possible to be a little bit more human. It is possible to have crappy O level results, with no tertiary degree and still be happy.

I wished I had someone tell me that 15 years ago.

I saw a rally speech by Mr Chiam See Tong, he said, that our MM Lee had taken a particular interest in his O level results. He only had five credits. Our MM was asking, if this is the person you want to be holding office. The guy with 5 O level credits, or the one with straight As (*ahem* Mah Bow Tan)?

So this is what we tell our kids. Hey, judge people on the number of As okay?

Mr Chiam said, not in his exact words as I can't remember – 'if your mother scold you for your O level results, you can quote me as an example. I had 5 credits but now I am a lawyer. When there is life, there is hope. When there is hope, there is change.'

These are the kind of words our leaders should be telling us. But maybe they can't. Else we'll stop being GDP machines.

Why can't we look at the bigger picture? I can't help but feel, they don't want to look at that picture. They know about the poor but they only want to do the minimum effort. They're not doing a good job of trying to convince us that they make all these decisions because they truly care about the people instead of lining their own pockets.

I saw another quote from SM Goh (youtube video), referring to JBJ, saying that JBJ had fought for welfare, and 'we were dead against it'. (In this context he must have meant social payouts - perhaps we can't have payouts but I definitely believe we can do more for the poor since we are so f*cking rich.)

Now I see. Rich people live happily ever after and it is okay to leave the poor behind.

I as an individual, rather not have the glamour of YOG and rather spend that 400 million trying to help our poor. Where are our priorities?

Yeah okay, if Singapore wants to be an efficient country with strong GDP, casinos and children with glazed eyes.....and if like some of my friends seem very uncomfortable that the stability of our country is now being threatened by democracy, that you tell them about the poor, the injustice of the ISA, but it doesn't matter to them as long as their pockets are full....

Then maybe it is really just me. I can't be part of this place. If one day, I've tried my best and the country takes a turn for the worse in terms of human spirit, I'll not hesitate to pack up and leave. At least I have given my all.

p.s. dedicating this to the people who has been telling me I should be grateful that Singapore is safe, secure and stable. Please be grateful all you want, I have spent my life hating myself because I was trying to be safe, secure and stable. I want to have more heart, and if that comes at the price of my safety, stability and security, I'll gladly exchange my life for it. I, just want to be myself and express my own preferences.

Leave some thoughts?

Why voting for the opposition means a lot to me

I've been trying to express my views on twitter but I guess that micro-format doesn't put my words in context and it makes me seem like I'm so insecure, xenophobic person.

If you know me personally as a friend, u'll know this to be untrue. I cannot be proud of much but I am definitely one of those who will actually speak up for our foreign workers and talent. I certainly don't like picking on people based on stereotypes and the country they come from. To me, it is very simple, don't do to people what you don't wish to be done to you. I don't like being stereotyped, why should I do the same?

Anyway, I will clarify my position once and for all, and hopefully, those people who care enough will read.

1. I don't have issues with foreigners.

We are all immigrants. How many of us can claim to have aboriginal ancestors? Perhaps I do think the population number needs to be managed, but that's because Singapore is feeling like it is about to burst its seams any moment.

2. The education of our youth

The reason why we depend a lot (I mean, a lot) on foreign talent, especially in the tech sector, is because there's not many local talents around. If this is true, then why are we not examining why? I'm constantly being asked to refer good independent designers. Oh come on. Why do talented designers go 'freelance' or independent here when the standards of living are so high, and in all seriousness, most clients here do not want to pay for quality? They ask for free pitches and mockups, GeBiz is setting the best example for this. Ask any design agency. How would an independent designer survive here?

In all honesty, if not because I have an international client base, as well as an increasing number of tech startups who are willing to pay for quality (though still rare), I myself wouldn't have survived. In fact, I am having issues trying to afford my rent and pursue my goals at the same time.

I can probably write another 10,000 word essay on education, but I don't want to dilute the points I am trying to make here. However, it is a fact that we're encouraged to have a herd mentality from young. We're taught to pride academic success. We're conditioned into thinking that having money and security is more important than anything else. So, can anybody tell me why we have a lack of talent here? It all stems down from the roots, isn't it?

3. The Internal Security Act

Along with many other people, I was not aware of how unjust this was until very recently. I am appalled. I am also upset that we were deprived this part of Singapore's history. Why? Google "Operation Spectrum".

‎"You dun care because you dun have friends who were imprisoned without trial for doing social work and helping the poor,” I replied. “You dun have friends who cannot come home to Singapore, you dun have friends who were made bankrupt and had their lives destroyed by the PAP government.” (source)

4. Public Housing

Okay, being pragmatic. I don't expect Singapore's property prices to be affordable because we really don't have much land. That's fine. I can accept that because I am unmarried, I have to work harder in order to either purchase my own resale HDB flat when I am 35, or expensive private property. But I cannot accept Public Housing prices being pegged to market prices because public housing are precisely for people who cannot afford property otherwise. I can't help but think, what are they trying to achieve here? Make people work very hard so that they cannot do anything else?

5. Ministers' Salaries

I don't feel comfortable when I found out *all* our ministers earn at least 1.57m, more than Barack Obama, who has to take shit on a per-minute basis. But I can perhaps learn to accept that if this is what it takes to have a non-corrupt government. What I cannot accept, is there are tons of under-performing ministers drawing that sort of salaries! They want to compare our ministers to CEOs, sure. CEOs definitely have to justify their performances to the board. Who do our ministers justify themselves to? They all belong to one party and I cannot help but feel like they're all shielding each other. Even the ones who don't perform. Can you imagine that happening in a proper board? This may as well be a family-run business!

6. GRCs

Redrawing boundaries to dilute the opposition is just not cool. Why can't we just have a fairfight? If the PAP are truly capable, why do they have to resort to such tactics?

7. State of animal welfare

If you are into animal welfare in Singapore, you'll know there isn't much effort from the government. Then again, they're deemed to be lacking in human welfare, so I guess we can't even talk about animals. I struggle to call us a progressed society.

8. Personal reasons

I would say that growing up here made me depressed and suicidal. And that it is very painful to be not part of the mainstream. It is not funny at all when you're insulted, looked down upon on a frequent basis because of academic non-success. My own mother thought of me as a disappointment. I was not accepted for the child I was. I survived it all, but I wonder, does it have to be this way for other kids like me? And it is not even about being gay. It is not buying into the whole 'Straight As' concept. Why can't our individuality be celebrated? We suppress our kids' individualities, then go proclaim a foreigner's individuality as 'talent'.

This is personal and biased, I am not afraid to say. Perhaps some other kid less emotionally sensitive wouldn't be suicidal, I wouldn't know. But I do know of other young people who have become either detached, or they just try to numb themselves with substance abuse. These are not delinquents, but truly bright minds, albeit emotionally sensitive.

I would also like to add, if not for the horribly inflated housing prices, I would be travelling around the world right now, exposing myself to different cultures and learning as I go along. I would also have more time for the non-profit work I am doing. I just find it difficult to stomach that people with a heart are forced to be concerned over survival when they can be spending their time over more meaningful issues.

I earn a comfortable income, but I am not comfortable at all. I don't even drink and party. 60% of my income (if I work my ass off) goes to rent. If that is the case for me, I shudder to think of the genuinely poor. Three years ago, a small HDB flat would have cost 1.2k to rent. Now it is about 2k and upwards, depending on location. This only intensified during the past two years. Why?

The rich are indeed very comfortable here. The poor are getting poorer. We're performing strongly economically, but the people are suffering.

At what expense, I would like to ask. All for our GDP.

I am not saying that the Opposition will do better. But let's give them a chance before threatening the voters that the value of their flats will become worthless. Can't PAP talk in concrete terms, exactly how they will 'take care of us'? Why do they have to make it sound like we're voting for the mafia? If the Opposition is shit, let time tell. But based on my personal observation in Parliament, I'll take Sylvia Lim, Chiam See Tong, Low Thia Kiang, over 90% of PAP MPs anytime. Most of them don't even bother to debate on national issues. Those who do, get silenced into submission.

As a human being with integrity, it is difficult to support a party that jailed people without trials and sued people into bankruptcy.

Can we have a government who truly cares about the people? That is all I ask for. And not have our leaders think of us like animals. I'll leave you with this quote to chew on:

“I have always thought that humanity was animal-like,” he says. “The Confucian theory was man could be improved, but I’m not sure he can be. He can be trained, he can be disciplined.” - MM Lee (source)

Leave some thoughts?

Turning 30

This is the year that I finally woke up from a deep slumber and remembered to be my self.

I have struggled with myself for the past 29 years. Just being myself. I tried to disown the person who was truly me and tried to live like everyone else. I failed. Miserably.

When we were kids, everyone said the key to happiness was having a good education, so I tried to do that for a while.

After we're done with school, they said the key to happiness was to have a good job, so I tried to work towards that for a while.

Then I turned self-employed, they said the only way to be successful at business was to be mercenary like everyone else – I couldn't do that and for years I allowed people to take advantage of that – that too, stuck for a while.

I wondered helplessly at the world. Is there not a place for someone like me? Full of ideals, unwilling to be mercenary, just wanting to be happy. It seemed wrong to want to be happy. It seemed 'selfish' to be pursuing your own dreams. I was labelled unrealistic, delusional, naive.

I couldn't find my place, I couldn't find myself, I struggled to cope with society's demands. The expectations, the bills, the responsibilities. The guilt. The overwhelming guilt that I was not being filial to my parents because I have chosen an unconventional lifestyle and career. That they would have to live with their daughter never being able to 'make it'. I tried to compensate them in my own ways, but I failed miserably.

The picture of my 29 years on earth seems to be summed up in one word. Failure.

I failed to get a good education, failed to hold a good job, failed to be the model daughter my parents wanted, failed in every conventional way possible. Looking back, it was of no surprise that I was suicidal. I wasn't worth a place in society's terms. I didn't seem like I deserve anybody's respect or love. I was nothing.

I am highly emotional and sensitive. I couldn't will myself to do things I didn't want to. I thought of myself weak for being emotional and sensitive. That it upsets me so greatly when I can't work on stuff that I don't enjoy. Or that I seem to feel too much. That my moods change like the wind.

It took my 29 years to realise that, everything that I detested about myself, were actually gifts.

That these gifts allowed me to be the person I truly am. To be very persistent at doing things that I love. To be determined to alleviate my own pain, and in turn, people's pain. That being such a misfit gave me such intense empathy for other minorities. To want to be happy and not settle for anything else. I refuse to compromise. I refuse to think that it is 'okay' to settle for less.

I cannot be otherwise. I can only be me and live my life the way I want to live.

That took me 30 years, and am I blessed that I know this now. To be me and no one else. To have the beliefs I want to have, eat the way I want to, sleep with my own patterns, advocate my own causes, do the things that are meaningful to me.

Nobody can be me. You're not me. Don't tell me what gives my life meaning and purpose. Meaning and value, can only be derived internally. People can put a billion dollar value on me, but it wouldn't matter if I perceive otherwise. Don't tell me what is reality. I define my own reality. Don't bind me to your perceived reality.

I have come a long way. I wouldn't have survived if I didn't believe that happiness is possible. My current lifestyle didn't magically appear by itself. It happened because I believed in it and refused to buy other people's version of reality.

The best decisions of my life, were irrational decisions. The ones that people call crazy or unrealistic.

The best years of my life, are ahead of me. I have tons to look forward to. It took me 30 years to be entirely comfortable in my skin but once it happens, there is no turning back. I have noticed something about myself lately. The more cynicism I face, the more idealistic I want to become.

The world didn't progress because of the cynics, people. It progressed because of people who refused to accept the status quo/reality.

It is great, to be turning 30.

Leave some thoughts?

Chronic fatigue

When I first came across Chronic Fatigue Syndrome on the website of a well-known textpattern developer, a light bulb went off in my head. That was a few years ago and it was the first time that I came across a possibility that feeling tired all the time could actually be a medical condition.

This is not the first time I've written about my lack of energy. It is an issue that has persisted all my life. I tried to do some recalling, and I don't remember feeling like I was ever "bursting with energy". I hated physical education back in school, disliked anything that remotely resembled physical activity. My family thought I was just lazy, so eventually I accepted that I was lazy myself. It didn't help that I had chronic insomnia as well, since childhood. So you can see the vicious cycle here.

I think it is very difficult for someone else to understand if they've never experienced chronic fatigue before. It is like having the kind of fatigue you get from flu, except I feel like that permanently. It is actually quite amazing I've gotten anywhere at all. But if someone can help write textpattern suffering from it, I guess I was still able to function, albeit very minimally, with maximum effort.

I wondered what exactly it was that caused me to feel this way. Lack of exercise? Poor diet? Lack of sleep? Stress? Hormonal imbalance? Dysfunctional brain chemistry?

If you look at my astrological birthchart, the lack of energy is very prominent. I have an aries stellium (sun,mars & venus) in the sixth house. The sixth house rules health, in traditional astrology, having any planets or luminaries in the sixth house was considered bad. That's not just it, because I have Pluto opposing the entire stellium. Pluto is considered an oppressive planet in astrology, having that combination just doesn't feel very fun.In other words, I was destined to have issues coping with health and energy. I do believe your chart would never set you up for deliberate failure. Challengers are there to be overcome for different reasons. Similarly, natural gifts can be a curse.

Anyway, imagine my excitement when I came across a tweet by @amyhoy saying that she had felt better after taking some supplements recommended by a doctor who wrote a book named, "From fatigued to fantastic (ebook link)". The title of the book alone is enough to excite me. I am willing to change my diet and do more exercise, but if taking some magic pill was able to have a marked improvement on my energy levels, that would really make a difference to my life.

You have no idea how much time I spend each day trying to talk myself into doing things even though I feel awful. Mentally and spiritually I want to accomplish things, but physically and emotionally I just feel down. Of course I have thought about being born with a brain wired the wrong way and having a biological chemical imbalance, I have thought about the difference medication would make to me, but I don't wish to go down that route and end up like David Foster Wallace.

I used to be pretty bitter about this, because I try so hard to be better and usually it doesn't make much difference.  I feel tired feeling tired, if you know what I mean. I gradually understood why it had to be this way from a spiritual perspective. It forces me to utilise my resources wisely because I was not blessed with that abundance of physical energy others have. I literally cannot waste my life away because I fall sick each time I feel unhappy in any given situation. It makes me understand the fragility of health. I am driven to want to spend every waking, healthy moment meaningfully because I have no idea when I'll go into a mood swing or have a terrible migraine that last for weeks. It gives me empathy for the misunderstood.

Because of my new-found understanding, I have actually sorta given up trying to feel better. I have accepted that this is going to be the way it is and thus designed my life around it. I understand I cannot function like most people, so even the work I take in has to be pretty specific. No rush, no late hours, no extended periods of working, no unreasonable stress. Out of necessity I had to be super selective, and ironically, this increased my happiness quotient exponentially.

If I didn't have physical issues, I guess I would put up with unreasonable requests just to 'survive' in this world. Everybody is working their asses off, so I feel like I should do the same in order to feel sane. But I can't. I got incredibly frustrated trying to 'work my ass off' and falling sick each and every time. Instead, now I am actually noticing an increase in the quality of my work because I am consciously trying to slow things down and paying more attention to details.

Still, despite all the good I get out of being physically weak, I would really welcome a day feeling refreshed and all new when I wake up. I am hoping that since I've had an internal shift, I wouldn't need all those nasty migraines to remind me of my priorities in life. I have a few personal projects going on that are geared towards the community, and it would really be 'nice' to be able to have that energy to move them forward purposefully.

So, I bought the book that @amyhoy recommended, read through half of it, found a magic word "Ribose" (go google it now!). Half of the content of the book were not new concepts. That sleep, diet, hormones, brain function play a huge part in our well-being. I believe CFS is the same as what the TCM practitioners call an imbalance of "qi". Basically it doesn't take much brain work to figure out that if you don't give your body enough rest and nutrients, sooner or later, all the major organs are going to be dysfunctional. I also believe that in the current state of society, it is virtually impossible to get that sort of rest for your over-stressed body to recover naturally (erm, who's going to pay the bills if I go away for a six month sabbatical ;p).

According to the book, a virus infection could cause your hypothalamus to be dysfunctional, hence causing issues to energy production. I happen to have had a super high fever when I was a toddler which I had to be hospitalized, that would very much explain why I never stopped feeling tired even as a child. There could be 101 reasons. It could be biological or genetic. It doesn't matter what reason I guess.

I am going to give the recommended treatments a try, hopefully in a future post I'll be able to document some good progress. ;)

Leave some thoughts?