defragment.me

Why I don’t blog about design

On my twitter bio, the field for website is directed to this blog. I would think most people would leave once they land upon this page. If, my twitter page is linked to my portfolio site, it is very likely that I'll gain more followers. After all, there'll be more people who would want to follow a designer than an emo blogger right?

Very similarly, if I blog about design, whether is it about critical thought or my design process, I would again presume that it would likely raise my online profile a lot more. I honestly do not want that attention in an egomaniacal kind of way, but in a professional sense, blogging about design would definitely help to raise my profile, which translates a lot to more or better quality business. There is definitely a wider audience interested to read a blog on design rather than a blog on.....personal issues and lessons? ;p

I went through this entire thought process prior to starting this blog and the process became rather lengthy and it hindered me from starting my blog for years. My mind tells me to start a blog on design but my heart tells me to write about myself. Now, who is the egomaniac? ;)

Why start a blog?

I want to start a blog because I want to share my experiences with people. Good or bad. I can start a blog on my design experiences or a blog on my personal experiences. The design blog will reach a wider audience which is nice. But I hope that the personal blog will reach the audience, however small, on a deeper level.

There are tons of quality design blogs out there and I don't think I can offer better content than what is already out there. I am not saying that I can offer better content than other personal blogs, but what matters is I am trying to write a blog with my heart and honesty. How much of me will you know if I write about my work?

I reckon that people who bother to probe a little bit more will discover the link to my portfolio site anyway. Those that leave based on their 3 second impression of this site, will not be the people I want to connect with. On the contrary, if there are some who actually bother reading any bit of this site and still want to connect with me, these are the people that will be quality connections. Because they want to connect with me even if I go on long-winded musings about myself, or going a step more, they see the intention behind the long winded musings about myself.

The value of being authentic

I feel that it is not easy to find authenticity on our society, online or not. How much of a person can you get to know even face to face, much less on social media? I offer myself almost like an open book, if anybody actually take the time to read it.

I very much enjoy authentic writing and I applaud people who write openly of their less-glamorous experiences. It takes courage each time to write about your emotions, your weaknesses, your failures. How many people will start judging? How many of my clients will deem me less professional because I openly admit that I have low self-esteem?

I want to tell you, that it is incredibly healing to be able to relate to someone else's honest, emotional writing. And it is even more empowering to be able to write your own.

Why? If you can relate to the statement above, you will know what I mean.

If many more of us can open our minds and hearts, the world will be a much better place. Failures and weaknesses will not be perceived as negative, so much more hurt can be avoided with truth. If only more of us know that it is okay to be ourselves.

I have learnt that, while taking the step out to write this blog, if I am no longer afraid to be judged publicly for my weaknesses, there is nothing much else to be afraid of.

There will always be people who are critical or judgmental but it is very much worth it if you find the ones that understand and accept you for the person that you are.

Why I think it is important to share

Our society doesn't readily accept people who are different from the mainstream. Times are changing, the society is evolving, it is definitely better than how it used to be when I was a kid. However, it still remains a challenge. Whether is it about being gay, being an artist, pursuing your dreams, discovering that truth is relative while the rest of the world believes that it is absolute. That any of us can create the reality that we want. That we're very much conditioned to remain in a state of fear for the benefit of those in power. Or that whatever that's not been scientifically proven can be real. That I think that us humans are egoistic for believing that we're the only intelligent life-forms in the entire universe. Or to dismiss ancient wisdom for mumbo jumbo. That I don't understand why we're still trying to win peace through violence. That we're all human beings and we all have flaws and I don't understand why we judge people for their looks, colour, intelligence, size, etc when we know that we're not much better ourselves?

I have been through certain radical transformations myself and thought-provoking experiences. I want to write about challenging the status-quo, about being unconventional, about trying my best about living my life differently from the mainstream. I am what geeks call a 'use-case' for pursuing an alternative lifestyle (no I don't just mean the gay part) and there are plenty of others who have the courage to live their lives differently.

It is just that we are conditioned to believe that these people don't exist or are very few and far in between. We are not. We are still the minority but we are a growing lot.

And we're not 'lucky'. We simply believing in having the power to create our own reality.

I write to share because I want to stand up and be counted. To be counted as one of those who defied 'reality' as our society perceives, and to share content of similar people, just so that maybe, just maybe, it will make a difference to the number of people encouraged to create their own reality.

I want to be the change that I want, and perhaps you can too.

Leave some thoughts?

Why I refuse to be a Singtel mobile subscriber anymore

I have been a Singtel mobile subscriber for 13 years. I have wanted to stop being a customer of Singtel for the past 3 years. I was thwarted time and time again because of the iPhone. My love for Apple has overridden any distaste or dislike for the big red telco.

Now, with the impending launch of the iPhone 4, I am determined not to recontract with Singtel whether they hold exclusivity to the phone or not.

Why?

1. The Phantom 30%

I signed up for a contract for a VAS (value added service) sometime last year. I wanted to stay with my current plan (Classic) which didn't provide 3G access, so I had to sign up for mobile on broadband. At that existing time period, the promotion was 30% discount with one year of contract.

My bill came the following month, and the 30% discount was not reflected. I assumed that the customer service officer had forgotten (not the first time they have forgotten requests) to activate my contract, and on second thoughts, maybe it was better not to be on a contract, so I left it at that. The itemised billing did not state whether the VAS was contracted or not.

Almost one year later, I signed in to their new one login service, "My Account" to check my recontract eligibility in the case I wanted to recontract with them for the iPhone 4 (still being open minded).

Imagine my surprise when I saw that I *am* on a contract. I called the customer service online and enquired. Apparently, the official status is, I am on a contract for BBOM which will end September 2010. I wanted to be certain of the error, so I asked her again if I was on a contract, which she impatiently replied the contractual end date, so I asked her how much I was paying now, and she replied $18.60 (before GST).

I was expecting her to make the connection as the regular price was $19.90 and I was on a promotional contract, but she didn't, so I asked the officer why was I paying $18.60 every month for the past one year when I am supposed to be on a contract.

She replied that that $18.60 is supposed to be 30% off $19.90.

With my disbelief at her bad calculations, I had to ask her to redo the math again. She got confused, put me on hold for what seems like forever, and another officer answered.

Which he tried to do a smokescreen by telling me $18.60 *is* the promotional price. I am very confident that the regular price for BBOM was $19.90 when I recontracted, which I tried to politely tell him of my certainty and not try to pull off trying to make me believe that that was supposed to be the amount I was contracting for.

I had to get him to check (again) what was the regular price, so this time, he told me it was $19.90, so (for the nth time) I asked him why was I paying $18.60 then?

AGAIN, he replied that $18.60 (before GST) is 30% off $19.90 (after GST).

I cannot believe what I was hearing. Both officers have obviously bad product knowledge having to check the pricing time and time again, and I cannot find a word to describe their inability to realise 30% off $19.90 is definitely not $18.60, with or without GST!

And I am trying very hard not to doubt their ethics when they are obviously trying to make me believe that I was the one making the mistake.

This is just one of the many other incidents which I will describe briefly here as I really don't want to write a 10-page essay.

2. 'FREE" Colour-me-tones

TWICE, I had family members being subscribed to colour-me-tones WITHOUT permission. The first case was a new line under my name, which I clearly remember not agreeing to signing up for the VAS when I signed the form for the line.

The second case was very recent when my partner suddenly had her ringing tone changed. She was being subscribed to the VAS without her knowledge in the middle of her contract.

We have paperless billing (save the environment)  and we don't check the bills every month. The service is free for 3 months which thereafter they wil start charging you if you didn't notice it. Which you wouldn't unless someone asks why your ringtone becomes some cheesy song when they call you instead of the default, or you scrutinize your bills every month.

I admit the responsibility for checking my bills, but I don't think it is ethical at all to subscribe people to services without their permission.

3. The mioTV false promotion

Back in those days when mioTV was initially launched and nobody wanted to pay to watch it because of their uninteresting programming, they had people going door-to-door to promote it. My father and a friend's father was persuaded to sign up for it with the promises that they will not be subjected to any contract and that there will be no hidden charges.

The installer never explained that the service needed an internet connection or a ADSL phone line, and he conveniently plugged out my brother's Pacific Internet ADSL line, plugged in Singtel's one, and also conveniently plugged out my dad's starhub set-top box, and replaced it with the mioTV's media connectors. How irresponsible. Nobody told my father that my brother's ADSL will be rendered useless if he chooses to watch mioTV or vice versa.

Again, imagine my poor dad's surprise when he tried to cancel the service and was told it was a 6 month contract.

I had to send a few emails with a few long phone calls before they agree to give a 50% discount to the subscription, refusing to terminate the contract.

Horrible customer service

I am absolutely sick of calling their hotlines and dealing with their customer service officers because for all the incidents mentioned above plus a few more, I had to be put on hold countless times, sometimes up to an hour just to get a officer to speak to me.

That is not all, they will first refuse to take any responsibility for anything, trying to insinuate that it is your fault/responsibility, often had no clear answers to questions, and many times, they promised to get back to me, only to go missing in action.

Why I had to write this

These mentioned 3 incidents are just the highlights. I have had more encounters that will probably take me a week to finish. Wrong billing, bills get sent to the wrong address, signing up for services that didn't got forgotten and didn't get activated, transfers of services that didn't happen even though it was done personally at the customer service counter.

I understand in big organisations, mistakes will be made. I don't mind the mistakes as much as they try to do tai-chi each time a mistake occurs. I also don't agree with prioritising sales over ethics.

If you know me personally, I am not one to lose my temper at all or become aggressive at all when dealing with customer service officers, sales people, whoever. In fact, I empathise with them so much, because I know how much shit they have to take in their job. I am the sort of person who will tip a person even if I had bad service, hoping the small tip will brighten up his/her day.

To get my blood rising to this level, it requires extraordinary effort. Singtel has made that extraordinary effort countless times and I wish it would be put to better use instead.

I don't feel that big organisations should get away with things just because of their monopoly (unless it is Apple). I think it reflects badly on their management when the junior staff behaves in such a manner. How are they being trained?

What I am going to do

One of my new mottos is to become the change that I want. I am just one person and it is a minute effort but any effort is an effort. I am not going to be a Singtel mobile subscriber anymore once any of the other telcos launch the iPhone 4.

Sadly, I have to be stuck with mioTV because my love for football overrides all that anger. The phone I can do without, the football I really have to watch.

Leave some thoughts?

Re-conditioning myself for inner-peace

The post would actually be titled "Re-conditioning myself in pursuit of happiness" until I made a recent discovery that happiness is a choice, not a pursuit.

The perception of happiness

People do all sorts of things to pursue what they perceive as 'happiness'. In the Singaporean society, 'happiness' generally (I repeat, generally) means earning enough money so that they never have to worry about having to cope with the rising standards of living. When I was younger, 'happiness' means the freedom to do whatever I want. Money, I thought was secondary. I was insistent that freedom does not neccessarily have to come with money. Back then, even as a kid in school, I was already the odd one out. My peers were very concerned about getting straight As in order 'succeed' and 'be happy'. Nobody told us that academic success is not equivalent true happiness and success. On the contrary, we kept getting drilled about the importance of being part of an academic elite in order to survive in Singapore (at least, in my experience).

I was determined to be happy. I have already disappointed my parents when I didn't do well for my O levels, and I sought the middle-ground, entering a polytechnic to study IT when what I really wanted to do was to go to a design school. I dropped out in the middle of my course after realising that I will never be able to graduate as long as data structures gave me a headache, resulting in more disappointment from my family. That resulted in me feeling even more that I should make it up to them. This pattern continued throughout my twenties as I tried hard to seek 'a good job' as defined by society. If I could not be the lawyer they wanted, perhaps I could at the very least try to climb the ladder as a designer.

I spent my twenties caught in between trying to be happy and trying to make it up to my parents. Or you can see it as trying to be myself and be weird, or trying to be 'normal' like everyone else. I swung between the two as there was never a period I could be happy without feeling guilty, or trying to be normal without driving myself crazy.

I thought I left it all behind when I made a big step to be self-employed, mistakenly thinking that being self-employed would mean freedom. I stopped caring whether that would please my family or not, it was something that I really wanted and needed to do.

In a conditioned state of fear

What I didn't realise was, the conditioning that existed in my mind/psyche was far deeper that I have thought to be. As I progressed further into my business, my worries about the future grew. What if I stopped getting business? What if I don't make use if the opportunities presented to me now? What if I didn't save enough to buy a house? What if I can't pay rent? What if my parents get old and they need money from me? What if one of them fall sick? What if I fall sick?

I was setting myself up for failure. Even before anything started to happen, I was already 'preparing' myself for all the negativity that can happen to me. And I assure you, whoever that is reading this, that probably 90% of us have the same fears going through their minds all the time.

That is why many of us stay in jobs we don't love. It is better to be unhappy than to be poor, a lot of them think. As a friend once remarked, she would rather cry in a mercedes than in a public bus.

And that is why, even myself, as much as I try to pursue happiness consciously, the conditioning of my mind has weighed me down very much, subconsciously. Most of us are brought up to seek stability and security, even if I seem to be a 'free-er' spirit that most of my peers, I cannot help but think about the house that I should buy, the money I should be earning, the 'success' I should be chasing. This affected the way I ran my business as I subconsciously sought stability (lots of cashflow! ;p). I made awful decisions accepting projects that I shouldn't, or working when I should have rested. I took my work too seriously, because I was very afraid to lose my 'freedom', and my work suffered as a result as I over-analyzed everything since I was afraid to produce work that was mediocre. I lost my love for my work.

Consciously or subconsciously, I was falling back into my old pattern of swinging between trying to be myself and trying to be normal. I was still trying to seek the middle-ground by not having 'a proper job' and still being able to make my family proud of me. I was still trying to make the invisible 'deadlines' that we seem to have – by 30 you should have established a career, by 35 if you haven't, you should be totally ashamed of yourself.

Why?

Why should we place all these deadlines on ourselves? Why are we conditioned to pursue things that society deem acceptable? Why do we make our children and youth feel so guilty when they try to be different? We do we shake our heads at people who want to have a change of career in their mid-thirties? And why can't old people find love?

Why do we accept these 'rules' as part of reality?

Why am I taking life so seriously? If you believe in one life-time and that you either make it or not with one chance, perhaps you have enough reason to be serious about life. Me? I believe in multiple-incarnations (this is going to be another post) and I find it hard to reconcile within myself when I am weighed down by the supposed practicalities of life. This is how conditioned my mind has become. Fear of failure.

Re-conditioning

I have found a great divide between my beliefs and the conditioning of my mind. And that has been creating a lot of noise in my consciousness. No wonder I never could quieten my mind. It seemed to be always anxious, always analyzing, always debating. It doesn't have to be this way if I simply have faith. I was very afraid to waste time, to make wrong decisions, to experience pain when things go wrong. Yet the other part of me is constantly trying to remind me that I should be doing what I love, I should choose what makes me happy over what makes me stable. I gradually realised that my unhappiness was caused by the inability to make peace within myself.

Considering that I don't believe in hell, one-lifetime, judgement (as you know it) or punishment after life, what is there to be afraid of? I don't even believe in 'right' or 'wrong'. I find it really amusing that I am in constant anxiety about my life even though I hold such strong spiritual beliefs. Okay, at least it is amusing to me now.

There was a mildly controversial comment made by Joi Ito at Echelon 2010, apparently saying that he does not hire MBAs because he would need to untrain them. Similar to the sentiment that some startups find difficulty in hiring Singaporean talent because of their apparent inability to be flexible (am not trying to criticise, I am just stating true feedback). That is sort of what I am consciously doing to myself now. Reconditioning my mind to incorporate what I believe in and not what people has conditioned me to believe in, which will probably be a long but necessary process.

Digressing a little. the Singaporean Government often states that many of our local talent go overseas, never to come back. And they are trying so hard to make Singapore a creative hub. I find it hugely ironic. Perhaps it is time for them to take a long hard look at our system. Or maybe some courageous soul can attempt to improve the system. Only if our bureaucracy would allow these courageous, idealistic souls to make a difference. Many times, they want us to make an effort, but they don't allow the effort to be made (Once bonded / Once bonded, reloaded).

Finding inner-peace to be happy

So, I realise I have been going about pursuing happiness the wrong way. I thought that by gaining or acquiring something, happiness follows. Usually it is only transient. Especially if you tie happiness to achievements or possessions. Your human nature will always want you to achieve something bigger in order to experience the same level of 'happiness'. For me, I came to the epiphany, that true constant happiness comes to me when I achieve a state of inner-peace – being at peace with who I am, what I am doing, what I have, etc. When you're truly happy, you don't need external events to provide that source to you. You see happiness in everything. Whether is it that the grass is green instead of yellow, or that I am looking at a 24in lcd screen, or that I get to eat dumplings. Knowing myself (sorry I cannot help that cynical side), I wouldn't say I will remain in this state consistently, but I will strive to.

I think that is the most important in life. The effort and process, and the non-attachment to results. Enjoy the journey anyway, whether it is long, tiring or painful. You can choose to be happy in spite of anything and everything. Similarly, you can be unhappy even if you seem to have everything but you cannot be at peace.

Leave some thoughts?

We all have choices

I never used to believe it, but we all have choices. I held a pretty deterministic view of life. I believed failure or success was pre-destined.

Choices define our lives. It defines us so much that many of us live in fear of making the wrong choices.

Me? I admit I was a pretty stressed out soul getting really angry and upset with myself for the choices I have made in the past. However, somehow I never got angry with myself for too long, because I believe everything happens for a reason. Making poor choices leads to valuable lessons and accumulated reasons, making good choices leads to increased faith and happiness. Therefore, in my opinion, there’s really no such thing as a bad choice. Success or failure, we are all learning along the way. Sometimes, you just take a while longer to get to the destination, but they always say, it is the journey that matters.

Here I am, staring at the vast ocean through the window of my room. Wondering about myself and my choices. Reflecting on my life and the path that I have chosen. My life could have turned out really different, but do I want the difference?

Sometimes it is really difficult. Seeing peers acquiring assets and attaining career success. I am human after all and sometimes I wish I don’t have to worry about money, I can afford to buy a house and a car, and I can have my parents living off me. Which could be possible if I have chosen differently.

Over the past one year I have met incredible people in different interpretations of the word. Through the hard work I have put in I have had the opportunities to work in a couple of big-name companies. Even if I didn’t want the corporate life, I could have been working in a very successful startup, earning the sort of keep that will not only keep me worry-free financially, I could probably afford to buy almost anything I wanted (I don’t go for luxury goods so that’s not that difficult to fullfil).

I also gave up the opportunities to work with people that I admire. On projects that may not be fulfilling financially at the moment, but definitely potentially life-changing.

I gave all of that up.

To find myself again, so that I can be myself.

I don’t deny I think of all these things wistfully, I think of the car I could have bought, the house I could have saved up for, the smile of my parents if I were to give them that fat red packet.

So when people tell me that I’m ‘lucky’ or ‘cool’ because I am ‘free’ to travel around and enjoy breathtaking views, I don’t really know how to react.

Because most of them will not know all that I have given up to be where I am today. And it is really not easy. I give people the impression that I am simply a ‘heart’ person and I make decisions like these with a snap of my fingers.

Nobody knows the nights of insomnia and all those tears behind my smile.

A friend of mine once told me, there are two ways to change the world. One is to become rich like Bill Gates and start contributing massively to charities, the other is to be like Mother Theresa, giving your whole life to everyone else without expecting anything in return.

I can never be the Bill Gates sort of person, neither can I be Mother Theresa. Who am I kidding?

But I hope and wish that by being true to myself I can somewhat encourage more people to be true to themselves as well. By writing openly about my issues and hurt I can let a few tortured souls realise that they are not alone in how they feel. By being idealistic I hope to remind some people of their ideals again.

They are all lofty wishes, but I hope and wish and I try. I never thought that I could change the world, but I thought that the very least I can do is to be the change I want to see in the world.

Perhaps the act of giving up to be where I am now will never allow me the same opportunities again. Perhaps it will bring me even more opportunities when I am ready. All I know is that I try my best. I believe if I try my best and do what I truly believe in, satisfaction will eventually come.

I believe everyone has a different role in this world. Once in a while there comes a Steve Jobs or a Bill Gates to shake the world. Albert Einstein, Mother Theresa, Gandhi. There are the ones who give up personal time, family, love, just to create a product, a mind-blowing film script, or a book that will influence the minds of society.

But there is also the housewife that does her chores and brings up her kids the best way she can, giving up any form of career and ambition. The man that works in a boring 9-5 job faithfully for 30 years just to support his family in the best way he can. The woman who spent 25 years of her life walking around America without a single cent just to prove that compassion exists.

We all have choices. Sometimes these choices may not seem to be worthwhile on the surface. Sometimes nobody will see the value or understand the choices. Sometimes it is difficult to live with our own choices. All the what could have beens.

I think we just do our best. We all have different priorities. The easiest way to make a decision is just to ask yourself whether you will regret this on your deathbed.

Till date, I think I haven’t made any choices that I would regret on my deathbed. But I think I can do better. I want to make choices that I will be happy with on my deathbed.

As I was writing this post, I put a “do not disturb” sign on my hotel door, and a hotel staff quietly puts a change of fresh towels and water quietly on the table at the balcony. This is a simple act that many expect or take for granted. I manage to catch a glimpse and I saw her placing those items with her utmost care quietly, with a small smile on her face. She left without knowing that I was looking, or that I was touched by her simple gesture.

Our choices often create ripples of repercussions without us knowing. Good or bad, you get to choose.

Leave some thoughts?

Travelling solo, finally

Almost 3 years after I set out to fulfill my dreams of travelling around the world, I finally booked a one-way ticket to Phuket after procrastinating at the booking screen for a few days suffering from decision paralysis.

So Phuket is not 'the world', but it would be a start, and I am rather comfortable in Thailand. I hope to be starting off at Phuket but venturing to places I have never been to before, like Khao Lak & the Khao Sok National Park. Transportation around these places is not as straightforward as I'll like it to be, but I'll just see what happens along the way. I just hope I don't cop out and stay the entire time in Phuket.

So what's the big deal

I've always been afraid of sleeping in the dark, I feel afraid even when there's people in the room with me, but over the past couple of years I've slowly begun to overcome that. Still, it is a big step for me to actually try being alone in the dark in a foreign country or in the middle of the jungle (photo credit):

And this is the first time I'm truly travelling alone to a destination where I have no family or friends. Without my partner to fuss over me, without someone as a security blanket, without someone to discuss with when I suffer from decision paralysis.

Which is why I must do this.

I really believe people must get out of their comfort zones in order to grow and going on solo travel is definitely going to take me out of my comfort zone. I think I've been hiding too long, trying very hard to feel safe and secure, and relying on external circumstances or people to make decisions for me. Okay, that's a bit harsh since I've worked very hard and gave up a lot in order to be a solo worker, but it still doesn't take away the fact – I am afraid to be alone.

Not because I need company, but because I don't trust myself.

Do I have lots of money stashed away

Nope I don't. That's why I've delayed doing this for ages, because I wanted to be financially secure before attempting to do something like this. However, this year has taught me that health is much more a priority than money and I realise I cannot take my life or health for granted.

I will be bringing some outstanding work to work on the go, but I will be hoping to tie up all of my projects within this month or the next, and spend another month or so work-free (and stress free).

I am not sure if I will have enough to last that long, but I am going to try anyway. Worst-case scenario is to come back and wait on tables. I can live with that. Though when the time calls for it, I'll probably take on some small-scale projects to get by.

Why I want to travel

I've always wanted to travel. It is like a lifetime calling. I am not sure why, but I am sure there is a reason why I feel so strongly about it. Which I'll probably find out on the way I guess.

I've also been feeling really drained and I am hoping that being closer to nature will recharge me. Spending time in solitude has never failed to bring me opportunities for new perspectives and ideas.

I actually like to travel with people (the right company, of course) because they would amplify the joys of travelling. New sights to share, delicious food to salivate over together. I've always thought I wanted to do this together with my partner, but circumstances made it impossible and on hindsight, perhaps I am meant to do this alone.

Additionally, I want to see if I actually feel different in a different geographical location. Eckhart Tolle packed up and moved across seas to write "The Power of Now" because his inner-voice told him he would have a much easier time writing the book at a different location. That was an interesting idea when I first came across it. I am not implying that moving locations *is* the solution, but no harm trying it out. I believe different locations have different energies and everybody will react differently to different places. Or maybe it is not so hard to believe that staying closer to nature will be more inspiring that living in a concrete jungle full of stressed out people.

I know many people love Singapore for all the comforts that it brings and perhaps I will learn that I prefer this side of the grass after being at other patches, but I'll only truly get to know, only if I venture out of it. I definitely know of people who are really happier staying elsewhere (yes, I am looking at you, Adri ;p).

A start to something bigger

I chose Phuket because it is one of the cheapest destinations to fly to and I really want to be near an ocean (& anytime I can simply fly back if I chicken out lol). Hopefully the familiarity with ease me into getting used to the whole idea.

This is just for me to make a start and I want to be travelling further and doing some serious country-hopping before 2010 ends.

I have been to many different places but I never really had the chance to really settle down in one place and experience their local culture for what it truly is. Ideally, I will like to spend about 1-3 months in a single place, live there for a bit, work for a bit, get to know the locals and not so much of being a tourist.

Whatever happens, it will definitely be an interesting experience. Wish me luck. :)

Leave some thoughts?

Why I need to find myself

I remember this time around last year, I fell into a drain.

I remember laughing at myself, and I gave myself a promise that I will, finally commence on my journey.

A journey I’ve always felt compelled to make – a journey to find myself.

Somehow, the practicalities of life took over. I had to move residences, rush deadlines because of the interruptions faced while moving, and then cope with all the repercussions. The unsettled environment, the fatigue, the financial drain.

I should have gone anyway, and simply trust that everything will work out the way it is meant to be.

I didn’t. I couldn’t find the strength.

On the other hand, my work was slowly getting recognised, and I was worried if I didn’t build on it I would lose all the momentum I worked so hard to gain.

Somehow, I fell back into the usual pattern – trying to be happy living life like how others do – working all the time, trying to build some financial security that would make me feel safe enough to venture forward, some day.

I spent the entire second half of last year trying to re-settle, pad my finances again, thinking that this year, would be the year I would finally commence on my journey.

Crisis

Life almost never works according to plan (at least for mine), so it didn’t really surprise me when something happened at the turn of this year. I have to move again, out of a place I thought I would occupy for the next four years.

Faced with the prospect of moving in this property climate (read unaffordable rental), I was contemplating all sorts of ideas that I would never consider in the right frame of mind, stuff like going back into employment for a stable income.

At the same time, I was going through an emotional crisis (which I didn’t realise until a month passed by) because whatever that happened involved close family members and it brought back painful childhood memories that I thought I had gotten over for a long time.

Who would have thought that an adult almost reaching her thirties will still be so haunted by the past?

Denial

My career was going well and I was trying really hard to keep everything going. The truth was that I was so affected emotionally and stressed out with my financial situation that I felt like I was struggling to match the high expectations I have put in myself. It was like a vicious cycle, I needed my work to ease my financial worries, but I wasn’t producing the quality I wanted, that in turn gave me tremendous frustration and stress and I was just slowly drowning.

My soul was slowly dying. And I could feel it.

It took me a while to get out of denial. I kept telling myself that I will be okay, it was just temporary, I was going to get out of it. I had this opportunity to work with people I really respected and I was getting paid significantly well. With so much uncertainty financially, I did whatever I could to hang on.

You know how I got out of this self-denial?

I literally crumbled. Until I thought I was losing my self.

And it all led me to think. If I was going to lose myself, what would financial security mean to me? All the good work that I was doing would mean nothing, even if one day I could afford my own house to stay in would mean nothing. I was just in tears all the time, I could no longer pull myself up and I can no longer smile. I was a mess and my partner bore the brunt of it. I was getting very sick, physically. I could not get out of bed and I could not breathe.

Only then, I knew what was important to me.

My Self.

Why

Many people don’t understand why am I always seem to be in some form of self-torture, but that’s because they don’t understand what is going on in my mind or in my heart. I just don’t pursue the same things most people seem to enjoy pursuing. The money, the ambitions, the assets. Sometimes I wish that I was mercenary, at least life would be simpler in some ways, wouldn’t it?

I am constantly in search of answers. Why am I here? Who am I? I’ve been asking myself these questions ever since I was a toddler. Sometimes I wake up and I feel bemused to be here. I never felt like I belonged here. I never found the meaning in growing through childhood, scoring straight As, getting a good job, getting married, having children, growing old and dying. It was like, all these doesn’t interest me so I may as well skip everything and just go straight to my death.

Over the past few years I’ve been evolving spiritually, in my own ways, and that made me feel a lot better. It is a trial and error process but to me, at least I was trying.

I somehow stopped trying or remembering to try getting so caught up in the worries and practicalities of life. I was just working all the time, trying to rebuild my sense of security. I've lost sight if what I truly wanted to do.

On hindsight, whatever that happened at the turn of the year was needed to give me a huge shove out of my comfort zone and my delusion. I was caught up in the whole ‘wanting to build a comfortable life for myself and my partner’ thing.

Falling apart was the best thing that could ever have happened to me.

I was falling out of love with my work, I started to be resentful, I was falling sick. I couldn't even love my partner anymore. How could I when I couldn't even love myself?

I need to do what I had to do one year ago. Find myself. Follow my heart. Expose myself to different things. Learn. Be touched by people's lives. Find the opportunities to touch people's lives. Feel excitement again.

In short. Live.

I don’t know what I am going to do next, all I know is I need to tie up some loose ends in terms of work, and go on my journey. I don’t know what is going to happen, or if I am going to end up penniless, but I just know that this is what I have to do. I don’t have much of a choice because my soul would wither otherwise.

Travel

Travel, travel, travel, were all the words that were popping up in my mind. Go somewhere, find yourself, I hear my heart speaking.

So, when I visited a channeler (yes, go on, roll your eyes ;p) this morning, when I was barely into my first question and was just about to ask her about my intention to travel, she was already mid-way through her sentence about me needing to travel and rebuild my energy. I have grown out of this place she says. I will find what I am going to do next on my travels. (I may elaborate about my visit in another post, it was definitely interesting and positive.)

How come I’m not surprised. :)

And how come it took me so long.

I already knew, didn't I?

I am not going to let myself fall back into the same old pattern again. I am just going to go. I look back at my twenties and I'm thinking why did I not do much more when I had no financial commitments and less health problems?

In roughly a decade's time, when I am 40, I am going to look back at my thirties and be really proud of myself.

Leave some thoughts?

Restarting from the bottom

I went through a series of events from the beginning of this year that made me ponder very hard about my existing life/lifestyle. I wondered about plenty of things that have been at the back of my mind all this while.

I wondered if it would make me happy if I didn't have to worry about money anymore.

I wondered if I would be happier if I was doing the best work.

I wondered about myself being emotional – I feel so much that it really makes me depressed sometimes – is this a weakness or a gift?

If everyone of us is truly unique and all of us have something to give to this world, what would mine be?

I believe I am emotional for a reason, I am the way I am for a reason.

During the past few months I have been through times when I cannot seem to pull myself up, even with all that I have known and learnt about life, I was just drowning and I couldn't keep my head above the water.

I think, all I wanted was to know, was that it was okay to be myself. To be weak, to cry, to crumble, to be unable to cope.

I think I have a split personality, the one that wants to live life in comfort and prove her worth through her work, the other who just wants to live life simply, be happy, be free, and give.

The gulf between the two has been causing me a lot of struggle lately.

Finding true freedom

I have worked very hard and I realise I have grown attached to what I have gained through working hard. I am afraid to lose it all and ironically I have stopped being free – when the original intention to be a solo worker was to be free.

There is no point in being financially free when the soul is not free. Mine is starting to wither and I know it.

I want to do something for people who are like me. Two main groups I guess – people who lead unconventional lives in our materialistic society, and people who struggle to cope with their own minds.

It upsets me when I get to know of people who have chosen to end their lives or lose sight of hope, because they are unable to cope with their minds. Whatever that is eating them up from inside. Empathy truly exists when you're one of them and you know what it exactly means by having issues with your own existence.

Our society doesn't readily accept people who refuse to conform to the mainstream and it is getting increasingly difficult (in some ways easier, though) for our younger generation. I think they too, just want to know that it is okay being different.

Coping with our own existence

And there are many of us who are struggling to cope with ourselves everyday, and they too, just want to know, that there are others like us out there who are struggling too, and will empathise. More importantly, there are many of us who continue to struggle and yet not losing sight of hope, or give up pursuing our dreams.

I know how it feels like to cope with my own existence. It is ironically a double-edged sword that has given me strength and the will to pursue my dreams, and yet sometimes it becomes so difficult that I truly feel like giving it all up.

A chance for a restart; if only you see it

Many times, it is eerily rewarding, because it pushes me right to the bottom and allows me to regain perspective of my priorities. Rising from the ashes, they say. Each time I come out of it, it makes me stronger, it allows me the courage to follow my heart, because if you get to the point when you realise you're about to lose yourself, all that fight for financial security or to gain approval (whether by family or society) becomes meaningless.

But what about the others who never managed to come out of it? One moment of desperation, one split second of despair, is enough. Not everyone has the chance to restart. Or know that they can restart.

I won't end my own existence, primarily because my personal spiritual beliefs tell me that I would have to repeat my lessons again anyway, but it doesn't make coping easier. And there's still tons of us who are not fortunate enough to be spiritually aware, or to have family support, or to find empathy.

I want them to know that they are truly not alone. I have some vague plans forming in my head, nothing concrete yet, but it is a start.

If doing the best work is not something that will make me happy, perhaps doing the best I can to aid a cause I am personally involved in, will make a difference.

Because I know, it is through helping others when you are helping oneself.

I won't seek to make a difference to tons of people, even if I find/provide empathy from/to one soul out there, I would have answered to myself.

Additional reading:
The Lost Years & Last Days of David Foster Wallace

Leave some thoughts?

A personal tribute to Denise Ho (hocc)

Disclaimer: This is very much personal and is made up of my personal recollection. There may be inaccuracies due to old, failing memory. ;p

I've always been particularly enamored by singer-songwriter types. I've spent a large part of my teenage years obsessed over Faye Wong and when she retired I was convinced there won't be any artiste that would set my heart fluttering again.

I have to admit, when I first noticed Denise Ho (she's relatively unknown in Singapore because cantopop is no longer in the musical diet of the people here these days) it wasn't because of any of her talents. It was because a good friend had pointed her out to me during a karaoke session – nope, not because of the song she was singing, but because she was strongly rumoured to be gay. And that she is the late Anita Mui's protégé.

Her appeal

She always had this androgynous quality, even back in those days when she had long, silky hair. She was always charismatic, though not in the same league as her mentor and definitely different from the unapproachable Faye Wong.

She's not naturally gifted with a voice that would take people's breaths away, neither is she blessed with drop-dead gorgeous looks. She knows this herself and acknowledged it during her 2006 concert. However, she makes up for it with musical ability – she has produced a stage musical, written several memorable songs and is great with the electric guitar. Most of all, she has a lot of heart. That unflappable drive and determination to succeed – not as the most popular artiste, but as the one who stays true to the path she wants.

2004-2006: transformation

Her first concert was held 10 years after she started her career. 10 years is a long time, especially for an artiste. The passing away of Anita Mui, her beloved mentor was the unfortunate trigger to her transformation. I believe many a time we all have to sink to the bottom in order to rise up. That was quite literal in this case.

I remember her speaking in an interview, admitting that she had always been stubborn in executing her musical career, never wanting to wear fanciful costumes or attract publicity. She simply wanted to be herself and perform great music. Her mentor once told her, once you become an entertainer, you belong to the stage and the audience. You have a responsibility to entertain.

I guess the passing away allowed her to take a look at the bigger picture and reset her priorities. She probably felt very much inclined to carry on her mentor's legacy, not only to entertain, but to do good in her capacity as a celebrity. And sometimes, in fact most times, in order to fulfill a greater purpose, you will need to step out of your own comfort zone and be committed to do things that you typically will not want to do.

So she started putting on the glittering costumes, included smooth, complicated dance routines into her songs, made the effort to put herself into the mainstream. I apologise if I made it sound like she was a sell-out, but that was far from the truth. In taking those steps forward she brought her talents out into the open. (At barcamp 4 last year, Joe Augustine pointed out that if you have a gift, you owe it to society to market yourself. To enable the sharing of the gift. I would not have really agreed with this one year earlier, but now I feel that it is very much the truth.)

So what if you need to do a little packaging, a bit of mass marketing, ultimately the goal is to get the message out to as many people as possible. It is all about looking at the bigger picture and doing the necessary bridging to your desired destination.

She had the blessed help of a truly gifted lyricist, Wyman Wong, who writes the lyrics of 95% of her songs. His lyrics are so haunting, intricate and beautiful that no words of description will do him justice. Strings of cantonese words that makes your heart wince when you listen to them. She was also blessed with a personal band – Green Mountain Orchestra, which consists of her brother and three other talented musicians.

What started of as pure curiosity when I took notice of her the first time at the ktv developed into pure admiration (okay, almost obsession lol). The more I found out about her, the more I listened to her music, the more I watched her perform; the more my admiration grew.

So when the news arrived that she was finally due to hold her first concert in Hongkong, I bought the concert and *air* tickets almost immediately. I was not doing very well financially back then but I knew it would be worth it. I was not let down. While artistes naturally gifted with amazing voices (no names mentioned lol) would perhaps run out of breath during a dance segment or struggle to reach the high notes during a live concert, Denise delivered an almost flawless performance. And it was only 'almost' flawless because the flaws came at those times she could no longer control her delivery – due to tears.

Every single cent I spent flying to Hongkong was not only worth it, but I probably had a double ROI (return of investment) in terms of the memories I brought back, at least.

2009: losing in order to gain

So when I attended her concert again last year, I went with the same expectations of a good, live, performance. But I was stunned. Just when I thought it could not get any better, she proved me wrong. She managed to deliver a vocal performance that was even better than the last. While previously she betrayed split-moments of doubts and weakness when switching to falsetto (pardon me, I have no knowledge of the proper musical terms), this time round she sounded better than a studio recording! It was better than a studio recording because apart from the impeccable vocal delivery, she infused her charged emotions into every single note. She sang as if every note would be her last.

Having been to concerts whereby the artistes sounded like they were regurgitating the song from their distant memory and as though they cannot wait to finish it, it was difficult not to be appreciative of her performance.

Synchronicity in action

I always believe in synchronicity and I believe I was meant to catch her 2009 performance. It was written in the stars. I had actually made the decision *not* to go, my Tokyo trip had blew my travel budget for the entire year. With a strange twist of fate, an ex-client from Hongkong decided to visit Singapore and meet me up for coffee before she was due to be back. I have never met this client before and in fact I had never met any of my clients (by choice), but a few months before that meeting I made the conscious decision to end my hermit-dom. If she had decided to drop by Singapore any other time, I would never have agreed! ;p (Seriously, I had a very serious case of hermit-dity.)

So we were having a good conversation and I casually mentioned that I was supposed to be in Hongkong that week to catch Denise Ho's concert. She was like, hey, come, you can stay over at my place! This was a person that I never met before in my life and we only worked together for a couple of projects and she had no reservations about inviting a near-stranger over to her place. If this was not in pure, good faith, I wouldn't know what to call it. (Thanks, Belle.)

Anyway, I told her that the tickets were sold out, it was too late to go anyway. She flew back to Hongkong that evening, saw on facebook that a friend was selling the tickets (I said it was written in the stars) and bought them as a gift for me. She emailed me right away, complete with a screenshot of that facebook status and scans of the tickets.

I was speechless. Events like these restore my faith in humanity.

Meant to be there

I was experiencing a low period in my life at that time, fatigued in every manner possible. The moment the concert kicked off, I felt a surge of energy (very similar to how I felt at the AWARE egm), the atmosphere and energy level was electrifying. If you had been in a place whereby tons of people come together, united by a common cause, you would know what I am trying to express. This is beyond words.

Midway through the concert, I understood why I had to be there. She said to us, that in the past 3 years people would have thought that she had lost a lot, but she felt that she has gained more than what she had lost. That if you believe in a cause, you should stay strong in that belief, even if means being the odd one out or going against the flow. (Isn't this what I've been writing all the time at this blog!?)

She could have gone on to greater heights from 2006, during the peak of her career. Just when everyone was expecting her to move forward from there and perhaps take the crown off Joey Yung (the reigning canto-pop queen), she almost retreated back into obscurity.

Going against the flow

Instead of doing what everyone is expecting her to do, she took what most people would view as steps backwards. She took a lot of time out to get involved in charity and social causes, produced albums that were more of an artistic ambition than an attempt for mainstream success. She married artistic ambition and her effort for causes when she produced an album (Ten Days in the Madhouse) that was accompanied by a documentary on people living in a mental institution, as well as staging a free concert themed "Happiness is free".

Her mainstream popularity waned during this period and probably people thought her career was going downhill. But she probably understood that in life, you win some and lose some – this was a tradeoff she was willing to make. Her decisions were validated during that concert. If you had been there, as part of the audience, you would have felt what she felt. Ultimately it was the people there that mattered. The support that stayed with her throughout the years, the people who understood her. She managed to influence less people, but on a much deeper level.

What really matters

I have always maintained while writing this blog that it doesn't matter if the mass audience think I am writing crap or if I am delusional, because I know that there will be people who will connect with my writing, however few and these are the people that matters. When you want to make a difference you cannot expect to change the world single-handedly, there is a reason why there is diversity in the world. Diversity is what that unites and divides people, it is what that makes the world so beautiful and yet so ugly.

You can only hope in faith that you will manage to touch the lives of a few people genuinely, and these people will go on and touch a few other lives. Just like how I was touched by a few good people and I am now trying to do the same.

She spoke of the difficulties she faced while trying to stay true to her path and the many times she has contemplated giving up, but standing at the stage that day, feeling all that love and support, she knows she has to carry on.

I swallowed back tears of empathy when I was listening to her, because it stroke a chord with me. How difficult it can be. To try and do what feels right.

Me, being part of the audience that night, I too, knew I had to carry on.

She asked the audience, was the past 3 years smooth or difficult? And that what matters was that despite whatever that happened during those 3 years, we are still there with her. I had a flashback of my past 3 years and I couldn't help but feel emotional. How much have gone by. How much I have survived. But I still did. I still survived.

I thanked my guides silently, I had felt immense gratitude to be there. That it was kind of a nice reminder for me to stay true to my cause. I went back to Singapore refreshed.

Bringing peace

She came to Singapore last weekend to act in a stage play directed by Edward Lam, "Man and Woman, War and Peace". This time, I went with no expectations (I saw a few promo clips and didn't think it looked very interesting, see am not a biased fan), and in all honesty, it was just because I wanted to see her, not because I wanted to indulge in any cultural activity of any sort.

And I am glad I went with no expectations because it provided me a clean slate to really enjoy and appreciate the play. Again, it reminded me of the time she has taken out to go on this tour, just to stay true to her ideals.

"When two people are together, they only see each other. The "third party", however, represents a way out instead of a dead end. Because two people in love only have eyes for each other, they only see each other's strengths and weaknesses, no matter how keen their perception. What's more important, however, is the turning one one's gaze outwards, away from the self, beyond each other."

"...there is no peace without war. And peace is but the temporary respite before a war."

– Quoted from Man and Woman, War and Peace's programme guide.

The play tried to incorporate lots of ideals and messaging, to me, it was rather successful despite the complexity it was trying to accomplish, coupled with many moments of comedic relief. I don't think it is everyone's cup of tea. Regardless, I could fully appreciate the effort and ideals, and I was particularly impressed with the change of parts of the script in an attempt to localize the play to a certain extent. They even brought up "Little Nonya"! The play would still be accessible whether the script was changed or not but it is really all the small details that count because it would definitely make the local audience relate to the play more.

I was suffering from a lack of sleep and was feeling rather down when I went to watch the play (yes I know, I have a pattern). I marvel at the timing of how these events seem to co-incide. Once again, both the play and Denise Ho seemed to remind me of where my priorities lie – that I should stay true to my path. It is just so difficult to find that intricate balance between survival and purpose and I don't deny I have veered off the path countless times. Sucked into a comfort-zone and and selling my soul to maintain that status-quo.

Once again, a grateful, subtle, reminder in the best way possible. I mean, how can you find fault with a reminder that consists of entertainment and an outstanding performer?

Doing what that matters

All in all, I was extremely appreciative of the performance, regardless of whatever connotations or meaning it had to me. I wanted to show how much the play meant to me, to tell her (and the cast) that hey, you've touched my heart. I very much wanted to give a standing ovation but I knew it would be very embarrassing if I was the only one who stood up. There I was, having this internal battle within me, but I eventually came to realise that my embarrassment was nothing compared to the appreciation they deserve from me. Even if it was just from that one, lonely me.

So I stood up when the director and the main leads took the stage to give thanks. As I've expected, I seemed to be the only one who was standing up (I think the local audience is generally either very shy or very hard to please ;p). I felt really awkward but I kept telling myself that it is not important. Thankfully, when it was her turn to take the mic, there were a few other fans in the front rows who stood up together, at least I felt a little less silly lol.

This act of mine is rather significant to me, because people who know me will know I am extremely shy and have issues with being in public. It is like I finally had enough and I really just want to do what that really matters. If I want to stand up and applaud, just go ahead and do it right? Why does it matter if people think I am some crazy fan or not? It doesn't matter what people think or if they really understand – as long as I know what I am doing and why I am doing it, and that I really want to do it.

Hi, to a fellow alien

Some time last year after her series of concerts, she left this blog entry that says something along the lines of, "I am an alien. I do not belong here".

I don't think most people took her literally. I don't think people take me literally either when I tell them that. And I've been telling people this all my life. And the discovery that it may just be quite literal. (I don't care if you're rolling your eyes now lol)

So, Denise, if you're reading this: please know you're definitely not alone on this. :) And please know that I admire and applaud your efforts to continue doing what you believe in.

Thank you for your persistence in your beliefs and purpose.

Why I wrote this post

I really wanted to share my after-thoughts and significance of her concert to me last year, actually right after the concert. But there was just too much I wanted to express and I never had the time and space to put them all down in words. The words have sort of taken a life of their own in my head ever since I watched the play and I think that they want to be published.

I really want to share these thoughts for various reasons. I think you can see it as a personal tribute or dedication to her, or an ambitious attempt to summarise her and her efforts in a few thousand words.

It is again, my attempt to show and share my appreciation.

Additional links (yup she's a social network's dream as well):

• Denise Ho's blog
• Denise Ho on Twitter
• Denise Ho's Offical Facebook Page

Leave some thoughts?

Confidence

There are generally two types of people in this world. People who have innate self-confidence and people who needs others to deliver confidence.

I happen to be the extreme end of the latter.

The downfall of my confidence

I think I used to be self-confident as a child, maybe because I never needed to study much in primary (elementary) school and still managed to ace my papers. I was the child that my parents would literally be boastful of. My achievements year after year was trumpeted like a media press release. Perhaps I was never confident actually, more like complacent because of my environment.

The turning point came when I was 11 and having my primary 5 year-end exams. As the routine goes, I never put any effort into revision, I had never needed to. I stumbled horribly for my maths paper, because usually I would finish any paper an hour ahead of my peers – thus I took my own sweet time and I only managed to finish 60% of the paper before time was up. For the very first time in my life, I experienced failure. (And for my poor parents, the beginning of the end for their trumpeting.)

This set the tone for the rest of my years until my mid-twenties. The vicious cycle of failure, disappointment, trying really hard not to fail again, even more disappointment. The bigger the disappointment I had grown into, the more pessimistic I became of life. And of course, the discovery of the fact that there are millions of people smarter than me, so much so that I was convinced that my primary school achievements were a fluke.

Letting go of past achievements

I remember looking my primary school report book wistfully for many years later, until when I was about 17 and I threw it away accidentally in the middle of a move. Perhaps that wasn't an accident. I spent years mourning about it, thinking that I would never be able to look at it proudly again.

Till I realised that my 'success' as a kid was holding me back – what could the past for for me? Even if I were to ace my education till the tertiary level, that would not guarantee me success or happiness in my adulthood. I bore a grudge towards my parents because I felt that they were holding on to the past too much and thus I could never be the prodigy they envisioned me to be. Never did I realise, I was also holding myself back.

For the world can have so many plans and visions for me, ultimately it is my own destiny. (lol, pardon me for the cliche.)

Taking ownership

I think my life really transformed when I took ownership of my own life. It only happened after I had tried really hard to please my loved ones and realised all the attempts were futile. I could never be someone who would live a life someone had designed for me. It was a matter of time that I would break free – the choice was either breaking free or ending my life. Around this time I came across a book which the theme revolved around "You are what you believe" and it all became so clear to me.

All my life till then, I have been trying to get people to believe in me, but I never really believed in myself.

That was a start. I wouldn't say I found my confidence overnight, but I think what started the process was that I desired to find my confidence back. Or my life back. To own my life and not have it owned by circumstances or the environment.

I think that was in 2005.

Still taking baby steps

Now, in 2010, I am still seeking confidence. It has been a slow but sure process. Baby steps. I still fear speaking to people, and I would not remotely consider speaking in public, and I still feel very nervous about my work, or go through countless sleepless nights when I question whether I am cut out to be a designer.

A huge difference is – the future looks bright to me. Quite bright actually from where I am standing. Whereas life used to be a pain looking forward, now I am slowly getting excited about what is in stall for me.  I had been truly blessed, for there have been a few good people who have shown the faith in me that I could not even find in myself. But I had to open my life up to even have the opportunity to meet these people in the first place. The desire to push myself out the comfort zone.

Serendipity

I am currently in a new set of circumstances whereby I would never imagine myself to be. In a place where I am given a huge vote of confidence and an incredible amount of validation by some exceptional people. I would not have met these people if I did not push myself out of hermit-dom. The experience I am having now can be all traced back to that single flip of that switch in my mind. (Aided by some strange dude from the UK named Andy who never gave up asking me out for coffee lol.)

For many people, making a change in their lives seem really difficult. Many a time, the results would not be visible until a long time after. We just need to have that desire and commitment to make changes, even how miniscule it seems to be. Who would have known that the casual coffee I had with two strange Caucasians would be the beginning of of a mini-revolution in my life?

Though I should include a standard disclaimer that says, there is a thin line between self-belief and insecurity-influenced arrogance.

Looking forward with confidence

I don't know what is life going to bring me from now onwards, I just know that I am immensely grateful. It does not matter if the bright future I envisioned turned out to be not bright at all – it is really the process that matters. I think many of us are just fearful of losing what we have now – and if it helps I can remind all of us that it is not in our hands entirely whether what we have remains with us or not.

"Confidence, Sir Alex Ferguson once said, is the key to about 99% of what is achieved in any walk of life."

I wouldn't say it is 99%, but it is a major influence on how we perceive ourselves, and in turn, that determines how we perceive life. Having that bit of confidence has definitely made a huge difference for me – that confidence allows me to dictate many of my choices and not let it by dictated by my circumstances.

As long as I have that bit of confidence, the competition doesn't matter, the economic conditions doesn't matter, because if I believe that you have something to offer and you work really hard, there will always be something on that plate for you. And if it really turns out that the plate is empty, if I have the confidence in my own survival, then what is there to be afraid of?

There is only one self to be afraid of, because it is the one self that self-determines whether he/she can survive or be fearful of any circumstances or conditions given to him/her.

Leave some thoughts?

Living life without limits

"Now is the time to integrate with kindred spirits while continuing to leave internal and external limiting factors behind."

Quoted from The Aquarius-Leo Full Moon of January 2010 - Creativity Crystallizing in Forms of Power by Robert Wilkinson.

Astrology works in funny ways (No it is really not the monthly column you read in newspapers). I was just having this whole thought process about the limiting beliefs I have in my life for the past few days, and this article cropped up in my feed. Regardless of whether the astrological transits influenced me or not, I thought the above quote aptly summed up what I feel now, and will probably be the theme for my 2010.

Moving forward

I wanted to write my customary New Year's resolutions post quite a while ago, but I did not really have any specific resolutions. Not because there wasn't anything to improve on, quite the opposite actually. I think I am on the brink of a crucial transition phase in my life, and mere words will not be enough to express how I feel.

The great fear of moving backwards always seem to stop me from moving forward. I cannot help but feeling that the best solution is not to move, stay in limbo, until I know the best way to move forward. But there's no "best way to move forward".  How do we determine what is the "best"? By basing on experiences of others?

I've always believed, from a young tender age, that the best way to live life is to live it spontaneously. Yet how many of us can truly be spontaneous? Not worry about bills? Even if we don't care about our own survival, what about our loved ones and whether we would be able to afford medical care for them if necessary?

Bad news can be catalysts for growth

A while ago I had some news which threatened my financial stability. All the plans that I've made for this coming year either has to be shelved, or I have to find some miraculous way of pulling it all together. Perhaps if it was in the past, I would have been crippled by the news. Devastated, and think that nothing in my life goes according to plan. The reality is, even the best laid plans can be thwarted. A dip in the economy, a war in some country, a natural disaster, tons of things can happen. We can only try our best.

I could have continued moping about my situation, which I did, for a short while – I think sometimes we have to reach the bottom in order to rise up. Problems can be solved by money are not problems. I sound frivolous by saying this, but look at little Charmaine, whose banner I put up on the right sidebar of this blog. We can garner all the donations for her expensive treatments, but her life is still in the hands of fate. We can only hope and pray for the best. Money cannot solve her problem, neither can money really solve Haiti's problems. Can money bring peace and stability to a nation? But that doesn't mean we stop giving or trying, because trying our best is better than not trying at all, isn't it?

We all have choices

Some of us are trying their best to deny this, but we all have choices. I used to hold a deterministic view of life, I believed that everything was pre-destined and we don't have a choice if we're destined to suffer. Somehow I was blessed because a series of events changed my views. I can choose to mope, or I can choose to be hopeful. If someone without limbs can lead such an inspiring life, why the rest of us who can walk, talk and eat, feel so aggrieved?

I have realised it is all about being able to exert control over your mind. Most of us allow the mind to rule us, to tell us we have to be richer, to do better, to be slimmer, whatever. I am blessed to know a few people who are not bounded by the restrictions of the mind or society, and these people are truly exceptional. They take risks, live life to the max, and are truly happy. You don't even need to know them to know they are happy. They exude happiness from their very core.

Wiring & beliefs

Being raised in a materialistic society in Singapore, (and it didn't help having a very critical mother), add my natural melancholic self to the equation, I seem to be wired to believe that I was destined to fail. I worry about anything and everything, and I worry what will happen in 50 years time. I worry about the future and problems that doesn't even exist. I think of the worst case scenario in every situation. It can be a good trait. It is always good to be prepared for the worst consequences, but not when you actually believe that the worst consequences are likely to happen all the time. Sometimes I think I actually will my problems into existence. Isn't this what they call a self-fulfilling prophecy?

So when I received the news that could threaten my financial stability, I went through the entire process of 'shit, I am never going to make it'.

This time, a switched flipped in my mind. If there's a 50/50 chance of failure and success, why do I seem to think that failure is the higher possibility? Why do I subscribe to the notion that I was not capable of rising up to the new occasion, that my situation will improve instead?

As I allowed myself to conjure hundreds of solutions to my problem, I realised that a solution was not impossible. It was just how much I was willing to do it. A difficult solution does not mean impossible.

Removing limits

Now, I am in the process of removing all my limiting beliefs. Whatever that held me back in the past. It is not easy, and some mornings I still wake up with slight panic attacks over what I am going to do about my problem, some nights I still get dreams of being late for exams. I seem to dream a lot of the past and it gives an accurate picture of my whole psyche. I am still wired to the past, still haunted by it. In reality my life is getting better every day but there is still this part of me that thinks that this is all too good to be true, and that it will end soon. I am like ending my own happiness even before even any sign of trouble. I am already planning for doomsday.

Nobody is threatening my happiness except myself. I cannot change external circumstances but I can learn how to cope with it positively. I wouldn't be in my 3rd year of my solo career now if I didn't choose to let go my fears. I would never have imagined having the life I have now when I was still working long hours under employment. Back then, I only wanted my life to improve slightly, to stop working nightmarish hours and I was even prepared to suffer and earn less money in exchange for having a life back. Now, I am almost living the life I have always dreamed of, I still have to work long hours and suffer the stress every now and then, but I have the freedom (to travel, to sleep in, to choose clients, etc), and that is most important to me.

Instead of fretting over the possible problems in the future, I rather spend my energy being the architect of my ideals. I want to dream of an improved life, not plan for the worse. Because even if unfortunate incidents do happen, there's usually nothing much you can do. Probably the very most, is to be properly insured and have some emergency funds. Even the deepest emergency fund you have in the world will not help much if life really decides to throw you a curveball.

Grateful for the unexpected

Now, looking back at the news I'd received, I am amazingly grateful for it. Like truly. I was in some form of a comfort zone and I needed it to push me out of it. If this did not happen, I would not have been spurred on to be creative about the ways I can change my lifestyle. Something that I thought that required a financial miracle is turning out to be seemingly possible – all because the situation called for extreme solutions, and one of the solutions do not seem so extreme after all...In fact, based on the current situation it is quite do-able within my means, and who is to say my means will not improve? At the very least, it is worth trying and hoping for.

If this did not happen, I would not even contemplate this particular solution (sorry for being ambiguous but it is too early to write about it), because my own limiting beliefs thought it was impossible.

Just trust

Some time last year, I was in a very bad shape and I let go. I let go of my worries, my fears, and any attachment to any outcomes. I told myself to trust the Universe and see what happens. It was very scary, but looking back now, whatever followed up actually turned out much, much, better than I could ever have imagined or expected.

This time, and for the rest of my life, I want to do the same. Just trust. Implicitly. As long as I can eat, talk and walk, whatever that comes along is a bonus and a blessing.

It will not be easy, but I really do want to stop being so affected by my past, whether is it memories, phobias, conditionings.

I want to re-wire myself.

I want to live my life without my self-imposed or society's limits.

"Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they would get. But if you work really hard and are kind, amazing things will happen." – Conan O'Brien

Leave some thoughts?